Without thinking, I slapped the cashier.

  • Without thinking, I slapped the cashier. How dare he accuse me of

  • shop lifting! The nerve! Now a rent-a-cop removes & upends my raincoat whose many pockets rain all kinds of merch. "I didn't buy the coat...it's still yours! YOU'RE the thieves!" I

  • could hear the thief say to my personal police officer. The next day I was woken up by my officer, they handed me a note telling me that my police rental was going to expire soon.

  • Without my police rental, how was I expected to attend the 3rd Grade? I filed an appeal and I was awarded a police rental for the duration of both 3rd & 4th Grades with a 5th Grade

  • contract available at the Police Commission's discretion. I was all set! I packed my backpack full of textbooks, snacks and highlighter pens and strode up to my elementary school.

  • I had only forgotten one thing, my teleportation device in case of an emergency to prevent the reveal of my real alien identity. I was sent to spy on schools for one reason, to

  • identify lonely schoolteachers and to offer to bring them back to my planet, where they would live in luxury while broadening our genetic spectrum. Without my teleportation device,

  • let's face it, teachers would continue their mundane lives, keeping their pupils straight, grading papers ad finitum, pretending to care. On my planet now, they would copulate with

  • pupils’ parents, making Excitement. Science would be taught, making Experiment. Dogs & cats would run freely in my planet’s classrooms, making Excrement. These would be the 3 E’s.

  • The 3 F's would be: Fun, Flatulence & Fornication. 3 G's: Gobsmacking, Go-Getting, Gerrymandering. 3 H's: Halitosis, Heave-Hoing, Hell-in-a-Handbasketing. 3 I's: Incontinence, Impo



  1. LordVacuity May 17 2019 @ 20:19


  2. Gibber May 18 2019 @ 11:32

    importunity, imagination. Paradoxically, our language having only 3 consonants and 2 vowels, we could not spell or speak any of these.

  3. SlimWhitman May 19 2019 @ 03:48

    The intergalactic alphabet song is so mundane, we need a few Earth teachers to spice things up.

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