David mulled over his options. He could

David mulled over his options. He could have anything money could buy. Today he would have dinner with Pink and Vanilla Ice before leaving his home to

fly out to Easter Island, to see if he could have a Moai made to order. He really wanted one made from

whatever chemical stew they make peeps from. He had an idea for a video that involved a huge microwave, an Easter Island statue, and semi-nude dancers. The only thinig in the way

were the state obscenity laws, so he called Greta Van Susteren. He told he about the peeps, video, microwave, Easter-island and semi-nude dancers. Greta said,"

I recommend you enroll in the witness protection program immediately." My credit was maxed out, my job was a drag, and my girl was stepping out on me, so I jumped at the chance.

Come, on. Who could reject the opportunity of KFC family bucket for just £9.99, 70s wall paper and a bumpy mattress, courtesy of the FBI. It would all be worth it.

Too bad I could not say the same about "Jersey Shore." Although like a bucket of greasy KFC, the cast of that show

BALLS OF STEEL

I shook the thought from my head. Clearly, the hallucinogens were starting to get to me. Pink rabbits appeared at the edges of my vision, and I fought to stay conscious. I.. must..