They threw him out in South Central LA with

They threw him out in South Central LA with no money, no shoes and only his camera crew. Now it was time for Bear Grylls to survive in the harshest environment. He

drank his own piss. Yeah, that's predictable. But what the fuck else is Bear Grylls supposed to do?

Masturbation is an off-camera activity for most survival situation television programs, but Grylls was a firebrand. Pulling the porno magazine collection that is essential in any

which he wasn't very good at playing. Even with a third arm, Grylls could not play music. He tossed the Japanese playboy into a pitbull's mouth, which tore it to shreds like pira

, the evil offspring of a demon and an angel. Grylls' father had been a pira slayer but he had always known that they would, one day, get the better of him and take from him his

throne to the retirement home. "BLAZES!" Grylis screamed! "My father is a pira slayer, not an old man!" The family shook their heads; they knew Papa Grylis' slaying days were over.

Patrick loved his father Papa Grylis, and would carry on the tradition of pira slaying. He had to find new ways to raid the piras and steal their queen. He woke early and mapped

the safest path through the pira labyrinth, which was treacherous and also smelled like a 7th grade boy's gym locker. Patrick knew that Papa would never forgive him if he didn't

slaughter that Minataur. But he forgot to change the sails on his ship when he came home with the bull's head, so Papa never got to know of his legendary deeds.