"Aye, a comely lass you aarrrrr. How'd ye

"Aye, a comely lass you aarrrrr. How'd ye like to play me bagpipes?" These & many other foreign accent pick-up lines will be yours, for the low low price of 19.95. What are you

doing sitting there by yourself when you could be out converting these witty pick-up lines into failed short term relationships? Act now, and you'll also get

an embarrassing rash which could be a talking point with your one-night stands.

Not that you really need any more talking points with a nose shaped exactly like a penis. I mean, c'mon. What else is there to talk about? You've got a phalluschnoz and you should

stop rubbing it in mixed company. And trim those hairs, you manimal. I know this pep talk devolved quickly, but let's be real, you have a donghonker and it's on your face. Own it.

I knew I had him when I called him a manimal. And then my use of donghonker just did him in. He tried hard to appear angry, but... The tension between us now eased, I handed him a

stack of playing cards, but the Queen of Spades was missing."I always knew you weren't playing with a full deck," he told me. Uh oh, I thought. Where *was* the Queen?

." The queen waited for a reply for the communicator, but the effort was in vain, as there was no reply. "Spade King, are you there?" She said into the speaker. Starting to panic,

she shoved her hands through her royal hair and her crown went skittering across the royal marble floor. "I will not...I cannot...go on!" she cried & threw herself out of the tower