"Aye, a comely lass you aarrrrr. How'd ye

"Aye, a comely lass you aarrrrr. How'd ye like to play me bagpipes?" These & many other foreign accent pick-up lines will be yours, for the low low price of 19.95. What are you

doing sitting there by yourself when you could be out converting these witty pick-up lines into failed short term relationships? Act now, and you'll also get

an embarrassing rash which could be a talking point with your one-night stands.

Not that you really need any more talking points with a nose shaped exactly like a penis. I mean, c'mon. What else is there to talk about? You've got a phalluschnoz and you should

stop rubbing it in mixed company. And trim those hairs, you manimal. I know this pep talk devolved quickly, but let's be real, you have a donghonker and it's on your face. Own it.

I knew I had him when I called him a manimal. And then my use of donghonker just did him in. He tried hard to appear angry, but... The tension between us now eased, I handed him a

stack of playing cards, but the Queen of Spades was missing."I always knew you weren't playing with a full deck," he told me. Uh oh, I thought. Where *was* the Queen?

The queen hid under my bed. She had reverted from her disguise as a playing card, and now pulled a communicator from the sleeve of her regal dress. "Spade queen to Spade king, over

." The queen waited for a reply for the communicator, but the effort was in vain, as there was no reply. "Spade King, are you there?" She said into the speaker. Starting to panic,