Back before the public service messages,

Back before the public service messages, Scruff McGruff was tougher than Elliot Ness. Over a bottle of scotch he related to me the case that lead him to retire. Chicago, 1978, he

was just a young pup looking to make a name for himself in the dog-eat-dog world of Chi-town's canine caper carnival. McGruff was paired with a crusty old bulldog named Bertrand wh

-ose brother was a film actor in some Movie named "Beethoven." Yeah right thought McGruff with canine cynicism. Then his life changed when a German Sheppard proclaimed that All Dog

s go to Heaven. Thinking his actions had no consequences, McGruff quit his crime-fighting dog job & began peeing on street signs, humping fire hydrants, sniffing random crotches

McGruff should have read the fine print, but even former crime fighting dogs can't read. Dogs don't go to heaven, they go to Doggie Nirvana. But McGruff had sniffed a butt to many

-a Kurt Cobain ballads & he knew the only Nirvana that ever existed was long gone. McGruff's cynicism didn't stem from his illiteracy as much as crimes like those he used to fight

In the name of gluttony. Venison stew was his daily meal, prepared by Philippe. The only solution was death by chocolate. Where to buy the Savoy Truffles? Only the owner of the

But nothing in all of the chocolate draped heaven, that New York was, could have prepared him for the awesome sight of the locality of Troy being turned into a horrifyingly tasty

horse-meat burger. Sure, there were disbelievers, but the fact is that that Trojan Horse-burger was the tastiest thing on this planet. Second only to the chocolate-covered version.