26.5

"Have excess bodily fluids? Donate to the

  • "Have excess bodily fluids? Donate to the Red Cross!" she reads over the PA system during homeroom. I pause, then

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  • struggling to think of a worse way they could advertise the blood drive. I decided to instead spend the day at a beach

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  • where the wine flows like beer and all the women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. That's where I

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  • learned to stomp grapes in the ancient way of the Shakazulu tribe. They have made the finest wines since

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  • Carlo Rossi invented the giant wine jug. With each step in the pool, the smashed and bruised fruits absorb

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  • the toe jam and sock lint. That, along with the antifreeze gave his vino that unique

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  • robust flavor. Just hits the spot on a night like this. As he pours

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  • the corn liquor from the jug I am reminded of Deliverance and decide

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  • that there is no way I will squeal like a pig, so I politely

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  • howled like a wolf. Squealing reminded me of Ned Beatty in that nightmarish scene from 'Deliverance'. It doesn't take much to stretch my imagination during

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  • sex like that, but she always had that effect on me. I reared up on my haunches and blew a hearty trumpet of triumph as she welcomed my

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  • mother, who had come to visit for the summer. I must say, it takes a very strong woman to put up with her. Even my father couldn't stand her. He

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  • took to the bottle a few weeks after the honeymoon was over and died later of cirrhosis. By then he was up to 2 litres of gin a day. At his cremation, his body burned for days.

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  • Duraflame would later patent his ashes and propagate an intellectual property suit with Tanqueray and some hellish rail gin company that would make the Lacks line proud.

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  • I couldn't believe I was sitting in a lecture with the advertisement guy from P&G. It was my life-long dream to meet the man who made millions for the biggest company in the

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  • Texas. The company's breakthrough product came in the form of beef jerky flavored toothpaste. Those Texans loved it so much that a warning had to be printed: "Do not eat!"

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  • Most dentifrices don't come with those kinds of warnings. Unfortunately, warnings were all that Sara knew from her time as a police tape typist.

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  • The training book contained a colossal myriad of warnings regarding the plastics and ink of the police tape. In fact it had been developed by the Nazi's for another purpose

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  • far more diabolical, but no less practical. The Nazi tape had been invented by Dr. Ulrich Zimmer, for giftwrapping prisoners prior to their presentation to the Uberschlumph's

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  • family parties. Sure, it chafed, but hey that was the point. After all if you can't enjoy the suffering of others it just wouldn't be Christmas in the Hinterland.

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