"Have excess bodily fluids? Donate to the

"Have excess bodily fluids? Donate to the Red Cross!" she reads over the PA system during homeroom. I pause, then

struggling to think of a worse way they could advertise the blood drive. I decided to instead spend the day at a beach

where the wine flows like beer and all the women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. That's where I

learned to stomp grapes in the ancient way of the Shakazulu tribe. They have made the finest wines since

Carlo Rossi invented the giant wine jug. With each step in the pool, the smashed and bruised fruits absorb

robust flavor. Just hits the spot on a night like this. As he pours

the corn liquor from the jug I am reminded of Deliverance and decide

that there is no way I will squeal like a pig, so I politely

howled like a wolf. Squealing reminded me of Ned Beatty in that nightmarish scene from 'Deliverance'. It doesn't take much to stretch my imagination during

sex like that, but she always had that effect on me. I reared up on my haunches and blew a hearty trumpet of triumph as she welcomed my

mother, who had come to visit for the summer. I must say, it takes a very strong woman to put up with her. Even my father couldn't stand her. He

took to the bottle a few weeks after the honeymoon was over and died later of cirrhosis. By then he was up to 2 litres of gin a day. At his cremation, his body burned for days.

Duraflame would later patent his ashes and propagate an intellectual property suit with Tanqueray and some hellish rail gin company that would make the Lacks line proud.

I couldn't believe I was sitting in a lecture with the advertisement guy from P&G. It was my life-long dream to meet the man who made millions for the biggest company in the

Texas. The company's breakthrough product came in the form of beef jerky flavored toothpaste. Those Texans loved it so much that a warning had to be printed: "Do not eat!"

Most dentifrices don't come with those kinds of warnings. Unfortunately, warnings were all that Sara knew from her time as a police tape typist.

The training book contained a colossal myriad of warnings regarding the plastics and ink of the police tape. In fact it had been developed by the Nazi's for another purpose

far more diabolical, but no less practical. The Nazi tape had been invented by Dr. Ulrich Zimmer, for giftwrapping prisoners prior to their presentation to the Uberschlumph's

family parties. Sure, it chafed, but hey that was the point. After all if you can't enjoy the suffering of others it just wouldn't be Christmas in the Hinterland.