I had the least stressful job in the world:

  • I had the least stressful job in the world: traffic man for the 3 am local news. Usually I just got in front of the camera and said, "Open roads, folks!" But tonight was different.

  • At about 2 am the traffic cams started blinking out. It began on the highways and went to the crosstown like a virus. Our news team was blind. Then our switchboard lit up.

  • And out of nowhere, comes a giant elephant and starts crushing everything on its path. we were so scared we

  • hallucinated and thought the rampaging elephant was a sweet little French Bulldog. We whistled at it, and tried to pet it, when the Chicago Police pulled their guns and shot at

  • themselves! We were so out of it, that the last thing we knew, we where in the hospital being treated for elephant inflected injuries. They told us that a bunch of police were hu

  • -ng over after their night of debauchery, which had resulted in the Elephant Incident, as it had come to be known. I'm still not entirely sure what happened, but I think

  • it involved an Elephant. Since the surgery we've led much calmer lives. I was painting some grapes when the doorbell rang. It was the elephant holding a bunch of chrysanthemums

  • , took 1 look at my painted grapes & got pissed off. "What are you ruining perfectly good grapes for?!" The chrisanthemum-holding elephant clearly had no appreciation for the arts.

  • "Shhh now. My wedding is about to begin." The elephant glided elegantly down the aisle to Mendelssohn's Wedding March. "WAIT! What about my grapes?" I called, disrupting the ceremo

  • ny for the last time. "Hey!" shouted the elephant's best man. "Do /you/ wanna get married!? Knock it off!" I sank into my seat, humiliated. I always get like this in churches.



  1. Zetawilk Mar 29 2013 @ 00:01

    I did it again. The elephant was clearly the bride. I'm sorry. :<

  2. lucielucie Mar 29 2013 @ 05:57

    I don't think it's clear what gender the Elephant is - so I don't think you need to apologise :)

  3. Zetawilk Mar 29 2013 @ 10:49

    You're right--it's not as if we need constant reminding of the realistic contrariness to perceived social mores. I think we've struck a victorious enough blow against a conservative society's expectations by promoting marriage for proboscidea. Though she /was/ carrying the bouquet.

  4. lucielucie Mar 29 2013 @ 12:17

    You've convinced me - the Elephant was carrying the bouquet so you should apologise. (However the bouquet originated as a bunch of flowers of apology suggested by the coordinator of the anger management course the Elephant had to attend because of the incident. Useless, of course, as the Elephant immediately had a problem with the grapes.)

  5. KieferSkunk Mar 29 2013 @ 14:22

    So the whole nightmare Elephant Incident was over a bunch of grapes? Wow, those officers really WERE drunk!

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