On my death bed I begged not to die. I wouldn't

On my death bed I begged not to die. I wouldn't see the ending to "Breaking Bad." I would never see "The Hobbit", "Avengers Assemble," or "Person of Interest." So much in life!

But my atrophic body couldn't keep up with my active mind. As I reached for the mouse to log into Netflix, my arm shrunk into nonexistence. "At least I still have my personality."

so I burrowed my way out the last meter of the tunnel. The daylight was fading, but still glaring to my under stimulated eyes. Thirst. Need water. Where could I get a

cactus? Those prickly fuckers are filled with water! Just then, I had a flash of brilliance - the desert! There are cacti in the desert! This was my smartest plan yet. I made my

way from the wastelands of east L.A,. through San Bernadino, until I reached Death Valley. I will show those cacti what it means to mess with a thirsty hippie intent on finding

the Snapple I was sure I had buried somewhere in the Park during a typical peyote-induced haze. I remembered a Joshua Tree that looked like a man so I took a sharp left and hit

the very tree I was looking for. Funny, from that angle it looked like a woman. You know, in the middle east it's referred to as a "Julanar Tree". Wonder how it got that name.

Wonder how anyone could stay awake during your little milky factoid speeches. He passed out information like Vegas flyers. So what if the tree looks like a woman you horny fool

it's endangered.Your mating attempt at the botanical garden was public indecency. I find you guilty. Due to your injuries from mating with the key tree cactus, no fines are needed.