Ronnie was the guttural screamer for Retching

Ronnie was the guttural screamer for Retching Uvulas, a death metal band. Lately he'd been listening to George Michael and hoped his bandmates would welcome a new direction. "Guys,

I woke up this morning totally metrosexual after a really intense dream about a dolphin with ironic facial hair breast feeding me." Lars the bassist stroked his massive beard

contemplatively,then examined his well-manicured hands. Lars replied,"I believe what you are saying is that you want me." I admitted it myself. I dug Swedish bass players. Lars was

later discovered to be Danish and obsessed with copyright laws. Lars would have a hissy fit every time someone downloaded his music. Mozart suggested he

calm down and have a Vanilla Ice T with an extra Ice Cube. Lars ordered one from Willie his waiter, but they were all sold out. Willie recommended Lars try an Arnold Palmer. That's

lemonade and ice-tea with a dash of old country club bigotry. Willie handed Lars the dink drink list. Each cocktail was named after a famous jerk. "Does this have tiger's milk?"

He winked. Yeah, sure, like this could wait 'till tomorrow afternoon. I put my hands on the surface of the bar and looked the bartender in the eye. "Listen

Carefully as Dr. Hdffdddfgooo explains why the North and Clybourn subway stop is so suffocaringly crowded and what one can do if waiting tiers are three layers deeper than thought.

"And that's the walk along the tracks and deal with it!" he said. "Yeah, I don't care if they're electrified. I just enjoy the smell."