Looking back on my long life, I regret few

Looking back on my long life, I regret few things more than that fateful day beneath the sprawling branches of the willow tree. I remember everything clearly:

so futily and yet so beautifully as I felt her ease down my pharynx. Most of the radioactive queen ant continued down into my stomach but a small bit found it's way into my trachea

and got lodged. I hawked a lugie that melted through a Hostess delivery van like depleted uranium rounds from an M1 Abrams. The radioactive queen ant in my stomach

made the "drinky drinky" sign, acknowledging my addiction to boubon and The Simpsons.

In fact, it was 7:30 which meant that it was time for me to lounge on my moldy sofa with my bottle of Knob Creek and catch the latest episode. It was the one where Maggie speaks

"Mama" voiced over by Elizabeth Taylor. He used his bamboo back scratcher to snatch some pork rinds as he sat nearer the swamp cooler. "Best Simpson ever." he sighed.

As the grease dribbled down the bamboo, he slumped further down into his seat. A concoction of apathy, depression, and fatigue blew over him. He chomped on the pork rinds and

pooted, unable to hold back his pent up emotions. Most people cried when they were depressed, but he farted. It was his release, his means of coping with this cruel, cruel world.

Gaseous, nauseous, and dizzy with the noxious fumes of his transgressions literally hanging around him, he chugged the last of his Pepto Bismol & hoped tomorrow would be better.