I put on my teeth and sharpened my glasses

I put on my teeth and sharpened my glasses and looked at the long potato. It was really long. I figured there must be competitions for this kind of thing so I

jammed it down my pants. Double bonus, I thought. But in my haste to exit, the extra long potato rotated from the front of my pants to the back and the cute girl at the front desk

held the skin peeler that she, after removing my pants peeled the skin from my exposed potato

shaped mole growing where my tackle should have been. This led to countless misunderstandings, esp. since I referred to it as "Mr. Potato Head". Sans skin the giant mole looked

not unlike my friend's turgid stoat, truth be told. It was embarrassing & the very next day I called my dermatologist to have the mole surgically removed. "No can do," said Dr.

Zhivago (no relation) - "It's teeth are surrounding your femoral artery - you'd bleed out in seconds." So, ever since then, I've lived with a mole dangling off my inner thigh.

The mole wasn't a problem though. The problem was the wife. Every night she asked me to get naked, threatened with divorce. One night she even tried to drug me. My evening cocoa

I accused her of using mud as fake coffee and told her to cut it out. Tea would do fine instead and we had plenty of that. I made tea and it tasted much better. She took the mud to

a bakery, and made a mud cake. She came back later to shove the hot cake onto my face, while I was enjoying my hot beverage. But I was too quick for her, and ate the cake instead!