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I put on my teeth and sharpened my glasses

  • I put on my teeth and sharpened my glasses and looked at the long potato. It was really long. I figured there must be competitions for this kind of thing so I

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  • jammed it down my pants. Double bonus, I thought. But in my haste to exit, the extra long potato rotated from the front of my pants to the back and the cute girl at the front desk

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  • held the skin peeler that she, after removing my pants peeled the skin from my exposed potato

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  • shaped mole growing where my tackle should have been. This led to countless misunderstandings, esp. since I referred to it as "Mr. Potato Head". Sans skin the giant mole looked

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  • not unlike my friend's turgid stoat, truth be told. It was embarrassing & the very next day I called my dermatologist to have the mole surgically removed. "No can do," said Dr.

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  • Zhivago (no relation) - "It's teeth are surrounding your femoral artery - you'd bleed out in seconds." So, ever since then, I've lived with a mole dangling off my inner thigh.

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  • The mole wasn't a problem though. The problem was the wife. Every night she asked me to get naked, threatened with divorce. One night she even tried to drug me. My evening cocoa

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  • was tasting somewhat "off" and she kept circling me,starring,breathing heavily.My wife couldn't fool me this time.I threw the cup at her,fumbling for the antidote in my pocket.

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  • I accused her of using mud as fake coffee and told her to cut it out. Tea would do fine instead and we had plenty of that. I made tea and it tasted much better. She took the mud to

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  • a bakery, and made a mud cake. She came back later to shove the hot cake onto my face, while I was enjoying my hot beverage. But I was too quick for her, and ate the cake instead!

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