"I spy with my little eye something green."

"I spy with my little eye something green." "Is it money?" I asked. "No, it's a planet you've never heard of." Grrrh. "Dammit, christian god, I'm going to Durga's to pay Twister."

"Oh no, little man," boomed God, "I am sending you to the planet of Grrrh as my ambassador. And cut out the cussing." That's what I get for playing games with God. I packed my bags

and was immediately transported to planet Grrr.. There, God had an office waiting for me. Nothing fancy mind, just a small windowless room with a table and large filing cabinet ful

l of records of failed experiments. God had designated mankind a Species of Special Concern. He'd charged me with analyzing the data he'd compiled on man's population viability.

While the human population & habitat continued to expand the service ecosystems were in decline due to mismanagement. I tried to hide the inevitable catastrophe from God in my repo

Office Fridge of Shame? Did you eat my hummus - the hummus with the note attached that clearly says "Don't eat my hummus - God"? I admitted that I had. God was livid. He set

down his sceptre and told me my Divine punishment. From now on everything my lips touched would taste like hummus: everything I ate, everything I drank, every woman I kissed. I

survived the Gobi by eating decaying flesh. I subsisted on my own excrement in a filthy Cambodian jail. All this time, I had not tasted hummus. Would it cancel itself out? I dipped

it off, and went STALLONE. I killed all the Cambodians. All of them. Their country was later bought by Frieza, who sold it to The Armenian Revolutionary Federation.