Aslan's claws tore through the underbrush

Aslan's claws tore through the underbrush like Valyrian steel through Orc flesh. He had to reach King's Landing before the White Witch sacrificed Gandalf to the Drowned God.

"And they lived happily ever ever." I put the book down & the group of rabid 1st graders just started at me with their evil beady little eyes. "Well class, look at the time, time 4

Teacher Juice!" I snuck behind my desk and swigged some Highland Park Scotch. Oh sweet Jesus, help me not strangle another 1st grader this year. They might catch me this time if

I have to bury one more body under the Chuck E. Cheese. I would have quit being a teacher at this school if it wasn't for my in-laws. They put a lot of pressure on me.

So I cull the weakest performing munchkins in my class. I'm human, and yes, I sometimes feel bad. But standards must be maintained. I hit all my targets so my in-laws made me head

less. Boy, did my remaining students get a kick out of THAT! Can't you just picture it? Me, headless, alive & standing in my classroom, my zombie in-laws munching on munchkins.

"You really lost your head this time!"cried a student. "Quiet, or I'll sic my mother-in-law on you!" I groaned. She was in fact already lumbering towards them, zombified & drooling

molecular acid. Having a zombified xenomorph for a mother-in-law has its advantages, particularly in academia. The students froze, and I called her off. Replacing my head atop my

tail, I began my metamorphosis into my final form, backing the terrified class of teenagers and young adults back into a corner. Being the son of a zombie xenomorph queen and a

Half-Blood Super Saiyan, my body mutated into an undead xenomorph with really strong hair and a gold aura. I was nigh invincible, until one of them pulled a flamethrower out.