"She made me want to be a better person.

"She made me want to be a better person. I made her want to smear herself with guacamole. It was pretty hard to reconcile our respective feelings for one another, which is why we

stopped talking about feelings and started ignoring each other more. We went to our favorite Tex-Mex restaurant but sat at different tables. I had salsa. She had guacamole

and offered me some, even though she knew I was allergic to it, and could die within seconds of ingesting it. She gave me a dumb look and said: "What? You no like? Want I order you

some Spam?" Mightily offended I promptly left the restaurant and embarked on a crazed hunt for the Himalayan Yeti.

My friends pleaded with me to not be so crazed in my hunt for the Himalayan Yeti. I was unable to tone down the cray cray. I refused to see reason on my quest to best the beast. If

only they had tasted the tender meat of the American Yeti, they would not tease me for so adamantly chasing the Himilayan Yeti. It was like a drug, the flavor, and I was an addict

ionary of All Things Bigfoot. My Sasquatchian knowledge of Cryptozoological culinary delights got me work on Food Network, but until I wrangled the Abominable Snowman, I was not

ready to put my GInzu blade down. My Girld Friday, Maggie Hallenguild, booked my flight to Nepal. There I would meet up with the best abominable snowman wrangler on the planet. Wan

Wu Mackenzie was filming a new biopic about Ma and Pa Kettle and he needs a yeti for the climax. Those are his words. I'm not going to explain it. Ask Wan Wu. I walked off the set.