My latest dieting epiphany is the all-pill

My latest dieting epiphany is the all-pill diet. For breakfast I have 2 glucosamine/chondroitins, a calcium, a vitamin D, 2 vitamin Cs, a baby aspirin, & a large ginko biloba. For

lunch I take two homeopathic mercury tabs, a valium, & a horse pill of castor oil, & for dinner I barf it all up for a zero sum calorie diet. So far I've lost 20 lbs & my scrotal

has shrunk and I look horribly like a gargoyle on Notre Dame. I look a little blue but my friends think its interesting rather than a threatening sign of my insanity.

My friends are a giant ogre named Big Mouth. He has a food addiction. Johahn and Pee-wee who think that everyone is buying their platonic relationship crap. The fact that I'm blue

only adds to our group's outsider status. One day Big Mouth told me he wanted to go to the beach. Being blue, I don't sunburn, but Johahn and Pee-wee (in matching swimsuits) sadly

went p-fzzzzz... fzzzzz... p-fzzzzz. All burnt up. "Great job Big Mouth!" I yelled "Now we're in a group of 2. In fact, can 2 people be called a group? Answer me you great lummox!

The great glistening lips stretched over protruding yellowed teeth in response. "NOOOOO...WE ARE A DYADDDD!" Big Mouth' s tongue stuck out grotesquely & I shuddered at the thought

of having to go out on a date with this thing. I'm serious! Fear Factor had really jumped the shark this time. But I sucked it up and took the huge floating mouth out to my

garage, over to my cherry red convertible. Sure it was flashy. Sure the top was down. But I got in, with my inflatable date by my side. After I buckling us in, I began to pull out

of the parking lot. I didn't notice the truck coming fast toward us. I didn't have time to react when something squishy saved me from death. My date had sacrificed herself for me.