The semester was only half over for Stanley

The semester was only half over for Stanley Krider and he’d already written off his students this term. A tenure-track associate professor of biology at the regional campus of

not-where-he-thought-he'd-end-up, Stan's hopes of making a difference were crumbling with his students' interest. Something was going to have to change. Maybe a minor outbreak

of herpes simplex would wake these good-for-nothings from their slumber of indifference and intellectual neglect. Nothing like the "gift that keeps on giving," to help with class

action law suits against these Mega Bread Companies like Roman Meal. The general public has no idea that in between each slice of whole wheat bread, hides a quivering mess of

contempt for the American Dream. Roman Meal wanted to much to be the country's favorite bread. But instead, it was the bastard child of white and wheat.

He had a rye sense of humor, and was not averse to a roll now and then, especially when the lady fingers touched him a trifle. But he never touched spotted dick even when the

detective was offering a simple, innocent handshake. Hyperpigmentation was his most deeply feared phobia. That, and feeling like he was being constantly watched by a duck wearing

duct tape. He was rather anal about it being spelled that way and not "duck tape", so an actual duck making that mistake was naturally terrifying. Nevertheless, the detective

deflected the defective statement. He was darned determined to detect the dastardly villain, but was doomed to defeat. "What's Columbo's number," he yelled to his secretary.