Finished Folds (1421—1440)
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3how I really spent those eight years. By God, I slayed more tail in that oval office than a sous chef at Red Lobster. Anyhoo, how are things for you dear? Hello? Chelsea?"
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9"Yeah!" we all said, thinking the Governor was batshit looney tunes. "What about we get a chicken, a pig, a cow and a fish and they duke it out at our table. Losers get eaten, the
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6Friends... family... countrymen. It is a far greater fold that I feld today than have I ever folded before. With these words
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5It took eight painfully written journals, $12,000+ in therapist bills, countless tears, and two mental breakdowns to figure out that's where it all started. 5th Grade.
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2They sodomized an angel. "Ooh" I cringed "Oops". "What is the safety word?" they repeated. Now I was sweating. "Uhhhmmm" What the hell was it?! "Erect broccoli?"
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3Steve Jobs^18 high-fived space leprechauns and mated with solar flares after snorting ground unicorn horn. He arm wrestled Zeus and barbequed with Satan. His powers grew until
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4dangle 40 berries from the dingle bush in front of the Director's nose just to lock down this part. Sometimes I surprise even myself.
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2an illusion that can be bent to meet the will of the enlightened. I sipped my colada and tried to act surprised when the croc clamped down on your femur in slow-motion. Cheesecake
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5I'm not really one to brag, *sniff*, but I'm kind of a big deal. HUGE in Japan right now. But uh, Juan Carlos, he was the cool guy in the gang. Dude was just smooth. Juan would
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0would be the worst that could happen if I just asked her if we could have sex right now? She could say no. But what if she said yes? It was all so clear to me. I stood up
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10I looked down. -ETA?-. I typed -Can't text. Driving.- I looked up just before impacting an oak tree at 65 mph. I had neither a seatbelt nor a windshield but a large gust of wind
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5Jon Stewart to Obama and David Cameron. "The evil government and evil parliament were bad. Baaad. But they could have done something good. Goood." Barack and David wrinkled their
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0he opened several 24-hour kitchens powered entirely by easy-bake ovens that totally wiped out hunger in Polk County. Ralph was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize but his focus was
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8the microphone at the Beatniks Bash Open Mic Poetry Slam night. I said "To the man on the curb. With his hat pulled low. Who are you? Do I know you? What's your deal bro?" The man
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2yelled outside the White House. He yelled "No!" but they yelled "We want free drugs and no taxes right here right now!" So the president said "Fine, just be quiet!" The people
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0Luckily I whipped out my over-the-shoulder boulder holder and trapped the live boulder inside. The boulder said "Lemme outta here ya jerk!" "Oh, a wise guy, eh?" I replied. I flung
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3I was making my way towards the IHOP entrance when a Frisbee flashed in my peripheral. I shot an arm out, caught the toy, tweaked a muscle, slipped a disk, and went down in a heap.
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2Easier said than done. I spent the next 5 weeks in the jungles of New Guinea and while I did catch 3 pigs, 8 chickens, malaria and a wicked staff infection, the hamster eluded me.
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3and started petitions against those fake vampire teeth and wind-up chomper toys. It was official; I'd gone dental. My biweekly dentist appointment was scheduled for 3:30 and I
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4is a vastly under-appreciated life skill as I don't need to go into what a waste of nooks and crannies it is to serve a limp, poorly cooked English muffin. The fleshy overlords