Finished Folds (201—220)
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4to the park. Joe’s dog waited calmly as a walnut was plugged in his ass as bait. A squirrel took the nut, unleashing the dog’s devastating fart. “Fresh-gassed meat tonight, boy!"
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3to posing for Coca-Cola ads.” So he headed to the ad agency, only to find Santa Claus in the waiting room. “Great!” thought the polar bear, “Competition!” So he ate Santa Claus.
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3Brennan from “Private Benjamin.” Raines let go her head and let it thud on the floor. “So where’s Capra?” Raines puzzled. A car started outside. Raines got to the window in time to
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6Beef in China isn’t as good as it is at home. But Marco learned China has great hot dogs, and he brought Marcia back a 10-pack. Marcia just glared at him. “So where are the rolls?"
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6for the stuff, mixing it with the bum wine they already drank. One day while not too deep in an alcohol stupor, a hobo named Mel had an idea. He gathered all the cans of Moose Cola
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4the town, emptying the pool. There I was: Sitting in a dry pool at a party attended by people aflame. I’ve had sucky birthdays, but this one took the cake…I mean the Baked Alaska.
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4the piccolo came out playing its solo from “The Stars & Stripes Forever,” causing the entire delivery room staff to stand and salute. The piccolo grew up and became a lovely flute.
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3looked up and froze in horror as a Pink Pearl descended upon her and began erasing. Her scream ceased when her mouth was gone. Dr. Seuss put down the eraser & began drawing again.
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3concern and pain from hemorrhoids. When he realized I was OK, Manatee sighed, eyeing me strangely. “So, are you gonna lie here all day or are you gonna help me with my next case?"
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4just to get onstage in 3 weeks. By then, the show was over, and the barker stood there alone, frowning with arms folded. “You’re fired!” he yelled. I hurried offstage in a month.
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4rapture. Minutes later she opened her eyes. She was puzzled; she no longer saw cuneiform carvings. It had all been a hallucination. Before her eyes was graffiti, full of F-bombs.
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4NY Times review of “Bedtime for Bonzo.” The rocket launched, abruptly changed course to Simi Valley, California, and headed straight for the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.
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4County” for a vicarious thrill to replace a ritzy address. Then I thought: Prestige is a mindset. So I bought a chicken coop, wrote “Buckingham Palace” over the door, and moved in!
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4other. Then the Mormons showed up, claiming they were “out there” along with those other cults. When the SubGenius and Flying Spaghetti Monster kooks objected, the Mormons revealed
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5According to the Dead Book, a body having top value was…one exactly his age. He would fetch 500 points easy. Dejected, he entered the coffin and instructed the lid to be nailed on.
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5The pilot announced “We’ll be in Rome in 20 minutes.” “ROME?!? I thought we’re going to NOME, Alaska!” “I thought we’re flying HOME!” They decided next trip to hire a travel agent.
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4Eventually Cicada Man and his destruction were forgotten. 17 years later he re-emerged, this time to practice goodness. Then some ignorant slob killed him with a giant flyswatter.
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2in the volcano’s mouth. A horrific voice rumbled from the volcano mouth. “I’m no football fan! I love beach volleyball! Bring me Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor as a sacrifice!"
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3!” said Manicotti as he took the offered Slim Jim. I couldn’t resist telling him the location from whence it came put it squarely in toe jam territory. “Attsa how I like ‘em!"
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5roast pan, denting both it & the Man Who Folded the World’s head. Manatee shook anger off, regaining his senses. His victim? Not as lucky. He became the Man Who Drooled the World.