Finished Folds (61—80)
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3Oink styled himself after Napoleon in Orwell’s Animal Farm, with one exception: He was no leader. Oink soon found himself at the wrong end of a cleaver and became a slab of bacon.
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3consumes you and your firstborn. Mother of Christ! The Motel 6 evacuation meant I wouldn’t get a complimentary continental breakfast. I spun the manager around and saw his face was
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2Indeed, the only thing “indefinite” breeds is “incredibly stinky,” especially where decaying hosts reside. We decided to be proactive, laying in a huge supply of Glade and Febreze.
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2his secretary entered—dressed as an eel—the Principal nearly shit, thinking he was seeing double. It was just a plot by eel and secretary to drive the Principal nuts—and it worked.
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4To top things off, the late Patti Page suddenly appeared on the back porch and burst into song: “How much is that doggie in the backyard?” Christ, I always HATED that song!
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1Then I thought: Drano may cure constipation if the chemicals avoided the stomach, which would be utterly destroyed. The solution? Shove Drano up the ass! I’m bound up, so I’ll try.
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5on the counter before Bertrand when he surreptitiously opened his fly and lovingly approached it. Seconds later, an unfilled pastry had become a cream-filled delight. Want a bite?
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3Odysseus rolled his eyes. “If there’s anything I hate more than a talking cow it’s a talking cow spouting ‘MOO’ puns constantly!” Perturbed, the cow replied, “I’m UDDERly ashamed!"
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3I re-entered the cockpit to continue piloting—followed by the inebriated baboon, who wanted HIS chance to pilot the plane. When I said “No,” he got nasty and bared his teeth. Just
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2comes to Irish dancing, boy can that one 16-legged model outdo an entire cast of Riverdance! I decided to mount a dance show starring her, calling it Creekdance. Then her demands
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1them square off back to back—with unloaded guns (I told you they were stupid). At 10 paces they turned and fired. There were only trigger clicks, but the demons still dropped dead.
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1considered “pulling an FDR” by keeping his handicap secret, but finally we thought a double amputee on our dance team would earn us brownie points for compassion. That was until we
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5er, they were STILL arguing about which was more important. Neither the “Asses in the Seats” contingent nor the “How the Seat Was Paid For” delegation gave an inch. In the end, it
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2mumblety-peg fantasies using the Bowies instead of pocket knives. In time, they tire of the Bowie knives too, until one of them says, “Hey, let’s use machetes!” So that begins
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1Spring, when “Birdman” Robert Stroud made canary-feather wings and tried to escape off the prison roof. Alas, Stroud was better at studying birds than imitating them, and he landed
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7My thoughts hearken back to dear-departed Mom, whose idea of loving motherhood consisted of donning a makeshift Nazi uniform and approaching me with a snapped-off car antenna. She
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3lot.” Manatee was nonplussed. ‘’What does a ‘red herring’ explain about this case, officer?” The cop shifted nervously. “Uhh, I guess I thought...” Holding the bagged fish, Manatee
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6The comic’s act was dying and the crowd grew antsy. A patron pulled a tomato from his pocket just as the comic tried again. “OK, the skeleton orders a beer and a mop and…” SPLAT!
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2and knew they shouldn’t be in Oz because they weren’t even characters in the Wizard of Oz. However, they decided to force the issue: The Oompa-Loompas attacked the Munchkins and
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4the window. 5:59. Chad started down the rope but had attached it to nothing. 6:00. Now on his ass on the sidewalk after he had fallen 3 floors, Chad cursed and stood up. 6:01. Chad