Finished Folds (141—160)
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3The nurse was right:: Boys don’t get periods. I tried gender politics: “But I IDENTIFY as a GIRL, so I DO get periods.” The nurse, not wanting to anger the PC police, sent me home.
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4and sounded really wet. Knowing they’d drown in her shart juices, the kidnappers went to the garage for a canoe. The heiress made a break for it, trailing a brown line as she went.
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4he played a dolt (a la Stan Laurel). As Ollie (a la Oliver Hardy), he was a bossy know-it-all. “Well, here’s another nice MESS you’ve gotten me into!” The MPs looked on, perplexed.
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2admit, though, that fight made me respect my selves even more. I and me became friendly rivals. Then one day everything got TOO friendly when some guy said, “Go f*ck yourself.”
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3The horse also only spoke French when Johann was around, like Michigan J. Frog did in those Looney Tunes. Around others the horse shut up. The Peace Prize committee was unimpressed
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5Imagine: All that advanced weaponry and no bathroom. Caught short, I left the tank, found a quiet spot, and squatted. Got a bullet in my ass for my troubles. Why did I re-enlist?
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2hell just happened?” he asked, stunned. The guy who’d been shot pulled a green can from his shirt front. “Bullets can’t hurt me! I’m strong to the finich ‘cause I eats me spinach!"
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3and all that was uncovered were shapely legs and firm booties. A granny with a cane walked up, begging to be strip searched. If only the cops had complied: She was the pickpocket!
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4as a lobotomized McMurphy slumped, drooling. “I know Mr. McMurphy’s NOT a flamingo, Mr. Cheswick,” said Nurse Ratched as she placed a pointy hat on his head. ”He’s a garden gnome!”
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3into MASH’s opening credits. Despite being the theme for both film and TV, it never was a hit. “Suicide is NOT painless,” wrote Rex Reed. “I’ve tried it twice--it hurts like hell!"
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2was chasing the electric rabbit, while the stupefied greyhounds could only watch. The wolf was gaining on the rabbit and had nearly caught it when a nauseated partygoer aimed a
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2be called disturbed, because he WAS disturbed. And Gordo? Someone had knocked the “n” off “Gordon” to come up with that one. He liked Gordo better because it made him sound fierce.
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5on my nuts. Next I’d oil the shaft & go do a few strokes. WHOA, I know what you’re thinking! I meant WALNUTS, the ELEVATOR in my office, & in the POOL at the gym. Your dirty mind!
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4then insisted on being called “Mr. Sun” by all of earth. Mr. Sun also wanted earthlings to shake hands with him when he rose, quite impossible to do from 93 million miles away.
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3lieved me to no end. They just pooped all over the house anyway, so I figured let HIM deal with their tortured souls & try housebreaking them. As for reading my thoughts, wellll...
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1as he pressed hard on the gas. Henry gained on the truck. Its image on his dashboard then split it two, and he shot past it. He looked in the rearview—the truck was following HIM.
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2do to kill the oven. “Just drop 100 gallons of ice water on it at once. The hot oven will crack and die.” That was bad advice from the fireman. How would I get that much ice water?
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2“How’d that TV just shatter?” Manny asked Shabby. Turning cautiously around on the couch they saw Annie Oakley, her gun barrel smoking. “I shot out the TV! Now reach for the sky!"
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3really ass-backwards form. Since when do horses shoot? They can’t fire guns with hooves. Turns out I was the ignorant one: It’s all explained in the Commun-Equus Manifesto.
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4This was different; he was canvassing for votes. He rang his mom’s doorbell. “Can I count on your support, Mom?” “No,” she replied. “I love you as a son, but you SUCK as a mayor!"