Finished Folds (2041—2060)
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3involved mostly X-to-Straddle maneuvers, followed by choking my opponent with the rope. I called it "X-to-Strangle." Pun-loving UFC fans adored me. But then I took it too far.
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2He had always wanted to be a Sex Ed instructor, even before he was told what that meant. He would've been a great one, too. But the cruel phallus of fate had other plans.
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8"Is there a problem, officer?" Oh, I knew there was a problem - a hooker's arm wasn't jammed into my tailpipe by accident. But I needed to stall him just long enough to charge my
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4if you don't wanna take another Louisville Slugger to the kneecap you better start talking. I'll ask again: How do you find the phase constant of a harmonic acceleration equation?
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7Hypothesis: Warning labels are for pussies. Procedure: 1) Take more than twelve aspirins in one day; 2) Get drunk, then operate machinery; and 3) Swallow Listerine. Conclusion:
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7"Are you SURE this is safe?" she asked. I replied coolly, "Babe, sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. But this time I'm right." Thus begins the story of a time I was wrong.
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5I awoke with a start when I heard the cocking of rifles down the hall. It was just as I had always feared: the poodle poachers had come for Fifi.
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2asshole of a plane ever constructed. "So, you think y'all are flying to Philly," said the plane. "Well I have different plans. And in the meantime, here's some turbulence."
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4People always told me, "Stu, you can't be a professional Sudoku solver. That's not even a thing." But I was gonna make it happen. I had logic in my mind, $20 in my pocket, and
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4away from the dragon. "That dragon really has a drug problem," I thought, as I sifted through my sock drawer for a tourniquet.
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6"There's a cyst in your tube" wasn't the diagnosis I had been hoping for.
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5Dam-bursting diarrhea, to be precise. That's what I got. I did a handstand to get gravity working in my favor, but it was no use - I needed
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5with a cleft palate. It was a sucky deformity for a lobster off the coast of Lake Ontario to have. Those dumped fertilizers and chemicals got all up in the opening, and
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8I always wondered how the course of human history would have diverged had "David" not been nude. I hired a local sculptor and some Renaissance fair actors to live out my fantasy.
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5"Cosmic Egg is a cool title." "Yeah, but the pitchman said it's a show about 'The Yolkian aliens, who help death roe inmates look on the sunny side.' I can't cope with the puns."
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5out that piece. I'm a Jenga perfectionist. I'll be damned if I
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7-rcism. The priest told my mom he was a licensed sexorcist, which meant that he could supposedly vanquish the demons responsible for my 'bishop beating'. But I wasn't gonna let
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5lost, having blown their accusation on "Mr. Green in the lounge with the rope"? They knocked down the door, which was a fatal mistake - I was a Colonel armed with a candlestick.
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5British revamp of Junkyard Wars. I wept profusely as the blue team turned my former Chevy into an all-terrain hovercraft with no steering wheel. They crashed it into
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6The Beerniverse's hops, which were its basic building blocks of matter, quickly evolved into intelligent, cultured individuals with large guts, funny walks, and