Finished Folds (2061—2080)
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5confectioner Van Nettern. It was no secret that Germans loved 'rock candy,' nor that Ford stood for 'fueled on rampant dopamine.' That's why Ford had the most repeat buyers.
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3and that spicy enchilada I ate would warm me up good, I thought. But it just made me gassy. And much to the chagrin of high brow humorists, my farts mixed with the fire and ex-
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3that officer carry a douchebag around anyway? As if reading my mind, he said, "My wife died when our house burnt down. Her douchebag is all that survived the blaze." He held it
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7wholeheartedly apologized for parking in the Handicap space. She replied to the drunkards, "I'm not handicapped, I'm handi-capable. I take the 'dis' out of 'disability'. And
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3"I must have ALL the records!" I screamed. I had to be the tallest man AND the shortest man (and woman too). I'd make my skin stretch and my eyes bulge, and I'd grow the longest
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3After his performance in the NBA finals, Dirk figured he had earned the nickname "dagger," so "knife" sent him into a killing frenzy. We followed the trail of dead bodies to
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5"But first, allow me to plug Ocular Nutrition once again," said Paul Harvey. "And now... the rrrrRRREST... of the story. It was a frigid Westchester night in January of 1982.
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4. Re-conjuring my powers of literalness, I said, "This buckle is BULLSHIT." The buckle transformed into runny bullshit, allowing me to break free. I jumped out of the plane and
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8lab and began organizing chemical elements into the periodic table. D. Mendeleev's sudden fame and acclaim led to his transformation from science coot to Russian sex symbol.
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2"...and EJACULATE a new strategy?" I corrected her: "Actually dear, that's not a double-entendre; it's just a naughty word. Try something simpler, like 'Uranus.'"
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6-roderm being his pill of choice. Rich figured you could never have too much testosterone, especially when you mix it into an Amp cocktail with arsenic trioxide and
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3coarse plasticine, the glycerol to my bitter cookies, and the asphyxiation to my arousal. She also payed for my Ebony subscription, so when she said she was "going out,"
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1be a little more selfish, it might do me some good. I'd start by maxing out my husband's credit card on umbrella stands, abstract art, and
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2My life as an on-call phone-answerer for rickets telethons wasn't all glitz and glamour.
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3or the time I walked in on my dad while he was "wrestling" with the mailman. My life was a series of awkward encounters.
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3till fart smog had clouded our specs." He adopted the nom de plume Michael O'Scarn to conceal his identity as he perfected his first collection, "Limericks for Bodily Functions."
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6E.g., "Woman, why wait when we would wither without whiskey?" and "Let's lovemake lackadaisically, luscious leprous latina lady!" But I had no success with the fairer sex until
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4a pro tanto suggestion, so do what thou wilt." Tickle Me Elmo is also adorned with horns, bloodshot eyes, and a cute little mustache. Look for it at a Toys 'R' Us near you!
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9as evidenced by the fact that they deep-throated their young. I mean non-sexually, of course; there's a pouch in there, and they are pelicans after all. But I swear they're evil.
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2as a stand-up comic in south B'more. I called my act "Alive at the Dive," and I offered insightful criticism on hot-button topics like The Panic of 1873, the B.S. of the B&O, and