Finished Folds (541—560)
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4"Sounds heavenly, but I'll order a Diet Coke on the rocks. The leanness of my thighs is a national treasure." "It's MY treasure now, Ronnie," I told him. The madeline I'd poisoned
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4and felt nothing. He poked her in her exposed ulna. "Do you feel this?" "Yoww!" she reacted. The head surgeon ripped off his scrubs. "I wanna be the patient. I wanna feel! Cut me
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6and my follower-to-following ratio. And there's a reason all your stories are lying dormant, Gramps - they're lame." "You fledgling punk! Respect your veteran folders."
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3"Hello. Clifford Naileyes, pro botanist, at your service, Madam." Madam Curry kissed him warmly and pled, "Oh Clifford, come quickly. The genus of my venus flytraps eludes me."
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6took folding suggestions from the audience, all of which involved Richard Simmons on a Jet Ski. By 'audience', I mean the guy running the Foldaroo pizza truck. "I fold my pizza
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7from the wooden blocks he was hiding in there to get an edge. He had a history of OD'ing on boogers in pressure situations, but Winston kept his cool this time. "Prosciiutto, p-r-o
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4The S.S. Incredulous was surrounded by a fleet of Rog Rovnitovs's alien pirates in international spaces. "Scum! And we were so close to Xephyr," said Commander Erma Gerd. Missiles
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3Ben & Jerry's has a new Pot Brownie Batter ice cream, which means dieting is officially a non-thing. I hide my stash in a secret compartment in my water bottle. Dogs always sniff
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3n't every old person's face look like a cracked iPad screen?" Little Johnny became full of himself when his apple seeds sprouted iPads. Grandpa kept it PC, though. "Darn you, you
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4copy-pasted the smile onto his face, while Pearl downloaded a Tard the Grumpy Cat expression onto her face. An emoticon dispenser was nearby, but Ted needed a distraction. Gerald
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2a, a mandrill approached me with the kangaroo suit. "What *is* a kangaroo even, man," said Rafiki. Getting lost in Animal Kingdom ruined my Disney vacation. Kanga adopted me
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5American Dreams and polio. Didn't I bring my family too? They must have fallen out of the boat in the Atlantic somewhere. I couldn't check them off my inventory list, but liquor
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5was dreaded like mine. Their dreads were from stylistic license. Mine were from neglect, and were just long enough to cover my bed sores. I climbed Everest in the 60's, but stairs
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2my Satan spawn child? "This hip-hop is the Devil's music. Or is it metal?" The rain turned to blood and the boom box birthed an anaconda. Life needs parental controls and
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4"Hey you guys, look at this bagel I toasted. See a familiar face?" "...Is that..." "Mel Gibson? You bet it is. Now, should we build a Mel Gibson Bagel Museum, or just eat it?"
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3his last wine bottle corkscrewer, so the blood of Christ was safe from Ratzinger's vampiricism for now. Pope Francis didn't fit in at the Pope Fraternity, Gamma Omicron Delta. Bros
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2ready to haze this C-List hasn't-been. "Hey, Hermaphrodite Ted, why don't you go fudge yourself when you're done fudging our careers?" Clever Bot gave Ted the Sharpie rape surprise
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2kvetching ban I cosmically placed on my wife 3 years back. The doctor's finger could sate my tickling needs with no such cosmic conditions. I was warming up to 35004. Finger puppet
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9Husker the Omniscient. All he wanted was a woman to warm up his icy lair... with love? Is that how this "love" works? Love was Husker's omniscience blind spot. No Purple Planetians
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6I went fishing with my bearded wife, but the fish were so muscular that they snapped all our lines and ate the hooks to taunt us. There was still prey in the desert. Cactus hunting