Finished Folds (681—700)
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6This was because his wife was actually a man. Heshe shaved hisher face 4 times a day and spoke in falsetto. Heshe was the manliest thing Pastry Walrus was into. Pastries and breads
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3Though I must say he's rather dashing. Blood red hair, tan skin. Who has both of those things besides me and my attractive double? I could find some use for him as a stunt double
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0suffering from severe back pain on account of her mammary mammoths. Her friend Pam Anderson referred my wife to an Australian chiropractor. In the shadows, I pumped and pumped her
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4"Impromptu F1 racing is a hobby of mine, so I am aggressive with shopping carts." Cindy nodded and rammed me in the calf. Her helmet was a bowling ball cut in half, a status symbol
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5him that Genesis is just Moses's fanfiction of Satan's herpetology report. "So snakes can't talk?" asked Pope Francis as he fed an altar boy to his basilisk. "Nonsense," it hissed.
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4was the X chromosome. Henry VIII stroked his masculine chest hair and went looking for X chromosomes with his GPS-equipped tracking device. Egads, they were everywhere! Anne Boleyn
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4He would iron out the wrinkles in their old curmudgeony faces. John Smoltz, Secret Ironing Council president and Ironer of Shirts He's Currently Wearing, sniffed out his plan and
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5"More devious than saying pork rinds are trans fat-free when they actually have .4 grams?" "Exactly as devious," said the emperor, "because that's exactly what I want her to do."
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3True, I release energy when I collide with matter, but mostly I'm opposed to matter. Morally and aesthetically, I'm against it. Matter's always taking up space, having mass , why I
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1diet. If you ate through your junk food dress, you would reveal the fatty fat nudity beneath, so you ate less. I emptied my entire pantry onto myself and went on a deli jaunt.
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4let some assistant assistant manager like Robbie flaunt his superiority by delegating his "plans". Victor had a less flowery scheme for rising past lids: jet packs. Jumbo jet packs
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6-is tuna sandwich. Mr. Geppetto would punish Pinocchio if he came home without having eaten the non-dessert portion of his lunch. In Africa, Pinocchio's nose was used as a totem
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2to another man who was starving yet too image conscious to eat butter. "I must have lean meat." The skinny men looked at each other lustfully, then self-defensively rubbed butter
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8The Navajo were fearless of looking down at Earth, but their Martian masters were easily spooked by jump scares. Passing satellites, cloud shifts, any motion really. Navajo pranks
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5"old enough", so my scheme of making a living on a statutory rape settlement would have to be scrapped. Next thing I knew, I was in Mr. Peanut's bed. My breath clouded his monocle
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7-dashed the sweater it was knitting and forgot to add a third sleeve. My right hand and alien hand would be clothed, but what of my phantom hand? Marsha's phantom breast implants
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5-otally different tastes in shoes. She locked tongues with Birkenstocks, and he danced to the strobes of orthopedic light-ups. Fetishists are picky, let me tell you. Bargain bins
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4I feared the worst: 10 years from now, I would star in one of those "Smoking green plasma is bad" campaigns with a reed in my lung. But I couldn't quit. I shattered more mirrors
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6Take it from me: When making a point about how easy it is to write a haiku, be sure to not screw up the syllable count. You just look silly. "Haikus are so easy/ In my sleep I make
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6which was no bother until it released a "domesticated" alligator who had killed its owner in a murder-suicide. "This solves our strays problem, but introduces many more!" Cat sleet