Finished Folds (881—900)

• 3
  I flipped the table in disgust. "Anyone care to explain to me why these chicken nuggets aren't shaped like dinosaurs?" D-Hall henchmen surrounded me. I had seen past the illusion.

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  2013-02-12 05:14:48

• 3
  My hamsa hand was freaking me out. It insisted that Lefty gave it the stink eye and was always trying to cover it with oven mitts. Righty took the form of a fist, a paranoid fist.

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  2013-02-12 04:22:50

• 5
  at operating microwaves was surpassed only by his prowess at repressing his dreams. Cookie grilled the retirees a well-aged steak, but they couldn't chew it. Not even mashed steak

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  2013-02-12 04:19:13

• 6
  that would be enough to make them attractive, but no such luck. Mr Ego's tolerance for alcohol was disproportional to his tolerance for women's ugliness. How was he friendless?

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  2013-02-12 03:10:17

• 7
  "Well, Janet, keeping our feelings on the inside is what's made our relationship work." Janet went to hug Todd but caught herself and withdrew her arms. She swept crumbs in silence

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  2013-02-12 03:06:55

• 4
  The caffeine made me grind my teeth, which sounded like industrial metal. I pushed the one man band routine to new, accordion-free heights. I kept the beat by cracking my knuckles

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  2013-02-12 03:02:47

• 4
  that it made him sick. Every year, kids sang Frosty to life against his will. Not this year, they wouldn't. Though his resolve was tested by the promise of a corncob pipe filled

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  2013-02-12 02:59:28

• 12
  without effort, though my math-y friend told me that dividing by zero would tear some kind of hole in something. He didn't tell me this hole would suck up my money. 0 divided by 0

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  2013-02-12 02:57:03

• 4
  my overwhelmingly pale legs in, for fear of blinding the attendees, I pulled my shirt up too. "What's that? I'm too white for the Magic Convention?" My Portlandia DVDs fell out of

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  2013-02-12 02:27:29

• 6
  on my head. I wore two left shoes even though I had two right feet. Yet no one takes me seriously. People only listen to Van Heusen models in a sartorialistic state. The King of

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  2013-02-12 02:04:14

• 1
  And tripping in the present, it seemed. Carl stumbled upon a flame of the past on his cosmic voyage, which was a slippery slope for someone as alcoholically inclined as Carl. Ice

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  2013-02-12 01:58:45

• 5
  Hushed Tomes was an organization that agreed with the premise of book burnings but believed the burnings to be a clear violation of book rights. Books can't speak for themselves.

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  2013-02-12 01:55:09

• 3
  ar, and the Top 40 was flooded with songs for people who couldn't yet count to 40. Well, Ol' Willy was tired o' talkin about ABC's and 1,2,3's. He had some dark material these kids

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  2013-02-12 01:53:24

• 4
  have time for the peaches shtick, she had some business to take care of. "I hear this establishment sells something called 'Eggbeaters'," said the gun-wielding chicken. "Explain."

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  2013-02-12 01:50:26

• 3
  Youth Ferity Clinic. Not saying "Thanks, Mrs. Walmart-Claus" when promised a shorter skirt for Christmas is pure barbarism. Satanic, even. That Satan deserves a frowny face sticker

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  2013-02-12 01:46:54

• 6
  basic bongifications. Some tubes here, some bubbles there. The usual. None of this helped his congestion, but his goal of maxing out feng shui would not be deterred by sniffles.

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  2013-02-11 23:31:21

• 2
  My To-DONE List. I chest bumped my fellow bros and checked off Gloria Monday. Ruby Tuesday would have to wait, though, now that my girlfriend was catching on. Jim was her spy and

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  2013-02-11 23:28:06

• 4
  about how Ernie always drinks his morning coffee out of it (he's actually a tea guy. Shh!). "You'll see that it says '#1 Uncle'," I told the appraiser. She noticed "Made in Taiwan"

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  2013-02-11 23:23:02

• 5
  Take it from me: if your recent folds are all about food, you should unskip lunch. Similarly, if they're all about unrequited love, find yourself a sock (I splurge on argyle) and

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  2013-02-11 23:19:25

• 4
  my poison. Arsenic, to be exact, though chloralose has its merits. How kind of my husband to add apples! "This IS arsenic, yes? Not some rat poison nonsense?" He began sweating.

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  2013-02-11 22:38:43