Finished Folds (981—1000)
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4Harvey Dent leaned in to kiss who he thought was Maggie Gyllenhaal, but it was Jake in disguise. "Surprise, handsome!" Even on New Year's, Jake exploited his sis's fame for kisses
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8Morning After Pill-pushing was lesson 1. Neil Sedaka also taught how to send subliminal messages so your date won't order the priciest dessert. You laugh, but large DQ Blizzards
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6with seeing-eye micro pigs that could attract women to my vicinity, but who was too blind to see how attractive those women would be. I can't compete with blind folks, they go for
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22/3 of each soul. The 1/3-souled traversers doggy-paddled their way back from Tokyo to L.A. "Whatever will these weak-souled fit people do in L.A.?" The finish line was at a strip
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3yonnaise. Adding a "nnaise" was my idea of spontaneity. It must've thrown the Hungarian sandwicher for a loop, as my tuna salad was much too nnaise-ally and stunk something fierce.
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5a gusher under the weight of a work boot. I wiped up the Dickie stew as it pored from the mother (posthumously... postturkously?... so) turkey. "Less solid than cranberry sauce," I
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3I awoke with a WaxVac attached to each ear. "My brain fluids! I still need those." But the WaxVac's knew no lower setting of suction. I was tied down to the bed with a gag in my
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4and transform into the beneviolent Myron Man, complete with utilitarian belt. "Death to all not-nice things," he proclaimed. I hid. "That's after one sip of alcohol? I wonder what
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10fallacy pyramid. The fallacious base was bulging with the notion that hemp apparel was IN, despite what GQ insisted. The pyramid came crashing down like The Wall when D'Brickashaw
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3day was more tolerable than diversity day, so these pre-orchestrated adverse situations were most welcome. Running out of toilet paper? No biggie. The Boss demands high-5's? Meh.
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4finish you now." Ned's pistol was filled with blanks, but it was just the impetus Charly needed to move to a remote island out of paranoia. "Isolating all bummers is the goal," Ned
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4"Did someone say 'mindfreak'?!" No, Criss Angel, he said 'mindtweak'. "Whoa, I'm levitating!" Ugh, go away, Criss Angel. 49erFaithful and PurpleProf were having a nice talk, you fu
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4invisibility cloak I have is torn, and those camo-footie PJs are the next best thing. I can blend in with the other backpacking, anthropomorphic piles of leaves. The comfort factor
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4's crew dumped fuel overboard to stop before the Iceberg, per Capt. Crig's orders. His time on Titan left him horrified of natural phenomena. He wet himself whenever the Sun rose
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4stuff Abdul's face with Hyphen Jabbar's famous suckling pig. Karim knocked out Abdul with the luau's cinder block table supports and pried his mouth open with hooks. "Here comes
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2The hole led them to a cave covered in ancient writings. "That one says 'I love a man' in cuneiform," said Ned suggestively. "Time to slip into something more naked." His robe knot
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5feeds on boogers and little hairs, like a mini bulb syringe or pilot fish. I decided to turn a profit on the Nose Troll. "You gotta pay the nose toll to get in," I said. His mouth
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2my cat, Puss. "Hey Puss, I got you some boots.. Bad Puss! Get out of the marshmallow fluff." We thought 'Puss 'n' Fluff' was less catchy than 'Puss in Boots', so the bachelor boots
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2"Good thing I have a back-up plan for mistakes like this," said the pregnant pause, who moseyed over to the rewind. Record had their whole affair on tape, though. He showed Lloyd
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1Wow, so many shipping options: Ground, air, next-day, Santa... ...Santa? It says here that he accepts payment in cookies. I'm not sure how I feel about elf labor, but at this price