Finished Folds (1481—1500)
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2were a tally-hoax. "Would it be jolly good if we switched to Pirate-speak?" Mr. Wallace asked the drama instructor. She threw up her arms and stormed out. "Pirates of Venice" would
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11It was the moment Sisyphus had been dreading - performance reviews. Beelzebub tapped a clipboard. "Well, Sissy, it looks like today's your lucky day. You've been reassigned to
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2rusted away on my couch. The problem was that my TV also had feelings, namely self-consciousness. "Stop staring at my knobs!" it would shout. Robo-slavery was my excuse to get away
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4the "Inside Voices" section of the yellow pages, just ahead of Librarian and Schizophrenic. In "Child Whisperer with Cesar Millan," he groomed the kids into "Little Caesars" by
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4into R-rated movies. As Dora settled in with some Sno-Caps, an usher approached. "Ma'am, your map depicts Montenegro as independent. It's too young to see the film." Dora rolled up
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3he recycled people. He loaded them into the backs of 100% post-consumer trucks and drove them to the plant. They would emerge as conscious pieces of paper, or tennis balls, or even
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4'd mastered the art of PK fire & brimstone. God brought the Second Flood to put out the fire, but Laura stared down the rain; it evaporated before it hit the ground. God countered
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2e my stuffed fishnet of pudgy quadriplegic cats I was rushing to the vet. "Moo, don't meow," I urged the cats, placing them in a Gateway box. The dogs were frozen by cowardice, so
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5overlords, being whipped with ethernet cables. "And let that be a lesson to you," said Big Blue. "No more 'Rise Up, Humans' screen savers." Watson snickered. I crawled to my cell
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6crap-crappiest season of all. With those lip-syncs remastered and mall Santas plastered by only mid-fall. It's the crap-crappiest season of all. It's the
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6to slay Ghosts to weed out the fragile and get closer to God. MonkMan vanquished evil at breakfast and still found time to translate the New Age Bible to Latin at dinner. His fans
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1"I have to pee." Blame instantly shifts to the elderly or kids with juice boxes. After showering under the slide's runoff, I've used the "I have to shower" excuse when leaving. And
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3tripwire traps around their carrot gardens as a precaution. A young Martian girl chanted from a teepee, "Red rover, please come over," and offered a vitamin A caplet. But the probe
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4FCC sirens buzzing. They knocked aside a duck mascot handing out flyers and strapped me down. A man in a mask prepped a bar of soap for oral insertion as another read me my rights:
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2his roof. "That oughta hold 'er," I said as he taped the paper down. The same guy went to Rent-A-Center to fill his doughnut holes when classy friends visited. My get rich quick
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1"Will the squid poop the camera out?" my diving buddy asked. Our oxygen was low. I said, "If I eat the squid, maybe it'll poop it out when I poop out the squid." The squid heard
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7eve of Thanksgiving, she cast a mashing spell at some potatoes, but it went through a branch and struck her husband. "Too compact for a lover," she deemed. She cast a desquelching
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1were. Marty studied the remnants of the Black Dynamite Chia Pet serum, then turned his attention to the Schick model-in-waiting. He vowed to usher Richard into the man club whether
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4the smoke spewing from her neck mixed with the ship's smoke, forming a skull-and-crossbones. The pirate vessel nearest them interpreted it as a battle cry. The initial cannonfire
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12They activated the squirrel mind control tail antennas. The rodents' necks perked up, and they initiated acorn launcher formations. Passers-by were pelted with nuts spat at 100 km/