Finished Folds (1861—1880)
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2days, the meter maid murderer branched out to slaying IRS agents, Jehovah's witnesses, and the ladies in malls who spray perfume on you for no good reason. But MMM's arch annoyance
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6Stacy and Joe decided to have their honeymoon in a McDonald's Play Place. The narrow crawl tunnels were romantic. The catering was succulent. But the ball pit was contaminated with
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5turned my top row of teeth into a cavity reservation. But the cavities made so much money from casinos that they expanded to my bottom row. I wanted fillings, but cavity activists
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2that Jimi Hendrix isn't dead, they've just been holding him hostage." The generals started humming Purple Haze, but the lieutenant said, "We don't negotiate with extraterrestrials,
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6plumbers are hard to find. The last one I hired just dumped a jug of Drano in my toilet and mooned me inadvertently. Another bad plumber brought his girlfriend, Peach, with him and
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6of the audience members felt that their "snakes" weren't being adequately "charmed," they started throwing cactii. Abu was on the receiving end of impromptu neck acupuncture, which
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7out, so we TRONNED into Wii Sports: a relatively peaceful land inhabited by wristless Miis and infinite bowling pins. But a kid's errant Wii remote smashed through the TV and
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5Luckily, we found a guy who was not only a part-time janitor and part-time chimney sweep, but he also happened to be wearing flamboyant Norwegian curling pants. He joined our team
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3had grown weary of seeing wussies. Retirement wasn't going well for Genghis. He'd thought that providing therapy to his conquerees would be a fun hobby, but he still longed for
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4simultaneously giving foot rubs, carrying their shopping bags, and "rescuing" puppies from animal shelters. And you know what they say about guys with multiple arms: multiple
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5I dug under my couch cushions and found the remote, 75 cents, and some cheetos. But I also found an evil, staff-wielding capybara. "Can I get you something to drink?" I asked him.
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6Moby Dick, the Kraken, and Cthulhu were playing Risk: Seven Seas Edition. Cthulhu started at the Arctic Ocean because holding the entire Pacific was impossible. The Kraken attacked
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7his attempt to write "Hamlet" alongside an infinite number of monkeys with infinite iPads. But Bobo preferred to shoot his detractors rather than throw poop at them. He aimed at me
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5The botched Lasik surgery was wrecking Sauron's mojo. He cried when "I Saw Her Standing There" came on the jukebox. The tears burned his cornea. But he wouldn't give up on love, so
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5She soon found an iron-nippled, 3/4 Swede, 1/4 cow named Helga, whose skill set (beyond breast feeding sextuplets) included dusting and bull riding. But Helga was a "mad cow," so
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1a Blockbuster, "got lost" in the adult section, and "accidentally" bought some improper videos. That was the barista's excuse after his girlfriend pressed eject on his VCR.
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5time to scoop out my Geno doll with the ladle. "Greetings, friend," I said. "Welcome to the realm of the living." I was so happy to have a degree in witchcraft from ITT Tech. Geno
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4He was jealous of his victims. It wasn't fair that they got to die and he didn't. It also wasn't fair that the whole world sucked, especially his parents. The Emo hitman cried
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5slim, as would be expected. I tossed out my salad and started shoving slim jims down my throat too. I figured they couldn't hurt, since they're basically celery sticks made of pig
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5strual cramps, and fake Brian Wilson beards - I amaze myself sometimes. But my parrot, who formerly belonged to Dr. Phil, would echo lectures on why I should take computer classes