The squirrel had been hatching his plan for weeks. He had eaten his last pinecone on Tuesday. He was now strictly a carnivore. And why not? The apartment complex was full of meat.

I decided to actively research my hypothesis that intelligence could be drastically increased by culling weak brain cells. I felt smarter already. I opened

I stood on line at the bank, when 3 masked men burst in brandishing uzis. "ON THE FLOOR NOW!" yelled one. That voice...OMG, it's my long lost dad who left us ages ago! I found him!

I'd been preparing for this moment for years but you know you'll never really be ready. Still, this was it. I was filled with a mixture of dreaded anticipation and nervous glee. In

The stench permeated the entire cave. There was no mistaking it, we had reached the lair of evil incarnate, death given mortal form -- B'chugerroth, lawgiver and master of the void

Do not poke the tiger. The Frenchman paid no heed.

A drunk man named Nikita its and a woman or space alien (it's hard to tell) named Tables head out to destroy the volcano God contracted by the secret Asian man named Mysterious Man

The car fell on top of me and I smashed through the skylight, plummeting to the warehouse floor beneath me. I flexed my hand and I slowed down. The cheese had found me at last...

I love music so much I would...

once upon a time there was a platypus. the platypus liked tea. he was British. the British/Canadian platypus liked carrots. the end

The coffee cup waited. Jan poured caffeinated rag water into it. It was the cup with Winnie the Pooh on it. Given to me by the Mexican cleaning lady. A lady I imagined naked but

Peter sat down in confessional. "In my day," he thought to himself, "it took a Roman with a sword to make anybody confess." He tried peering through the wooden screen, but the

"I'm an expert knife catcher. You there, butcher in the assassin's garb, I bet you have a knife. Throw it here, and I'll catch it. Just make sure it doesn't spin, that's too hard."

"ITS NOT MY FAULT!" screamed the normally sanguine Samantha as she stormed into the tent and sat down in a huff. Ok, sure, she HAD invited the entire cross-country team

Jessie stepped on something. She heard a creaking sound - suddenly they librarys vast book case was toppling upon her, book cascading like a water fall of pages. She screamed. But,

I had enough of it this time. This time I had to stand up for myself

If you look at it, I mean really look, it's obvious that it was photoshopped. That may be my head, but those aren't my hands and I've never

The sweatshop owner had a point. I couldn't name another country where you could pay a 12 year-old $1/week to

OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I EATING?! This. was. everything. wrong. about. Thistown. Thistown angered many men. They couldn't seem to make sense of all of these random changes. One

Aaahhh-bottle of wine. Does it matter if its a screw top or cork? I don't care. Either way wine invokes nightmares. The other evening I was kidnapped by trolls...red wine vs.