His hands were all over the place.

"Well I'll be damned" swore Mr. Fitzgerald, my high-school physics teacher. "There really are a multitude of angels dancing on the head of this pin."

I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning.Very, very frightening me.

"You don't do it like THAT you do it like THIS!" I shouted, choking back the tears. Once again I carefully rearranged the teacups in a straight line. They were fucking my day up.

If I saw ninety naked neighbours noisily navigate numerous networks in MY neighbourhood then I would surely

"Oh." She paused. Then, "I thought horticulture was the study of prostitutes." It was little moments like these that reminded me why I loved her so much.

I didn't win the Powerball jackpot, but it could be worse. My identical twin got hit by lightning while making a hole in one.

The universe has become so rife with bend and arc, I think we can't depend on parallel lines not intersecting for much longer, did you see that bend in the moon's orbit last month?

I think I lost a friend. Well, they haven’t been a particularly good friend to me recently anyway. As with all my friends, I still love her, and that’s why what she says to me

It was my junior year in high school when the problems really started. Up until then I had been able to control my urge to mate, but when I encountered the school mascot that

I kick ass. It's unbelievable how much ass I kick. Should be illegal; probably is. Don't care. Too busy kick'n ass. All day; all night. Asleep, you'd be like "Damn, that guy kicks

And now is the time for the uncomfortable questions. Is retarded a bad word? Is hand-washing requisite after #1? Is it pandering for 'likes' if you 'like' a fold you don't like?

The approach of day is heralded with the sonorous voices of the huge gongs being vigorously beaten by the official welcomer of the dawn.

As I stood in the meeting place I felt like such an idiot. Why had Betty insisted I come dressed like a frog?

Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

"What is with all these freaking medicine men in these stories?" I bellowed at my computer. "Why can't we have benign, non-racist topics like the merits of green and purple grapes?

Always tease tease tease. Siempre - coqueteando y engañando. You're happy when I'm on my knees Me arrodilla y estás feliz. So what do you want? Really now. Should I

He grew even more concerned that the schizophrenia was back when the strong aroma of asparagus pee wafted up from the bowl. He hated asparagus. He looked around. "Hello?"

Have you ever thought what life would be like if you were a mouse ? well i know what its like cause i am a mouse.

I propose that the town of "North Pole" shall be henceforth known by the name "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Furthermore during voting on this measure affirmation shall be indicated by the phrase