Chuck Norris said that someone this year would bring about the dark times - 100 years of pain. He knew Chuck was talking about him. "I, Jimmy the Fuligo Septica, will bring

I slowly sank into the comfort of my red pillow sofa in an attempt to escape the insanity of my day. What I thought was going to be a quiet moment of peace suddenly changed when

Lego man left Legoland in search of adventure. First he visited Barbie & Ken at their Fun Holiday Dream House. Second, Lego man drove a Tonka Truck to pick up Shrinky Dinks for

Mme Vertaigne stubbed out her cigarette in her mummified husband's palm. She exhaled the last of her grief and left the shed. Time to call the coroner. The autumn

The morning after: She nuzzled up to him and then licked him with her raspy tongue. We woke with a start. There was an enormous capybara in his bed.

Hey, I've got an idea: why don't we sharpen a piece or two of metal until it's extraordinarily dangerous and then slowly drag it across our bodies to temporarily remove

Elvis rotated his pelvis. That was the sign the aliens had been waiting for.

The man dragged himself into the county jail's foyer. A trail of blood followed him. The intake officer said,

This notion and these principles are irrefutable evidence that there is highlighter ink in your mind. I have no idea how it got there. The nose. Injection. Mutation, but everytime

On my stroll, I looked down at the strange markings construction crews put on the pavement. This mark is for a gas line, that one, for sewers. Why is there one for hot chocolate?

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Johnny.

You are illiterate. You can register most of the words but are unable to subvocalize what an author meant to say, assuming the author actually says anything at all, which

Friar Tuck opened the closet and saw Robin Hood. Robin froze. He had piles of gold all around him. "Tuck! Great...uh, I was counting the gold that I was about to give to the poor

"Oh, look luvy an ice berg!" The rake tipped back his martini glasss and nearly stumbled overboard. "Let's ask the captain to get closer so we can put these drinks of the rocks."

Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, “Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal."

I don't give a flab about the flab-er-gab

After the background check at the Pearly Gates , he signed the forms and received his wings, halo and standard issue harp, but what he really wanted was a saxophone.

"...Next!" "My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!" "Not on the guest list, back of the line! Next!" "I am Arthur! King of the Britons!"

Knock knock!

Cheney handed out thin strips of paper. "What the hell's this?" asked Rumsfeld. "It's a political litmus test,when you lick it it changes color. Red means your a commy. Green and