His or her royal highness prince or princess Gabriella Amoxicillian Juniper Breeze was born on Sunday, July 22nd, 1992 to Prince William and the Duchess of Wales Kate. No surnames

So, the Brits are weirder than I thought. In the 1800s, they purposely changed their accent to be more foo-foo.

"On tonight's news, the commissioner of baseball declares war, terror lurks in every shadow, and SHARKS." Crap, I forget to recycle just once, then the world goes haywire. I had to

If time is what keeps everything from happening all at once, then time is also what's holding back progress. Thus, the most efficient way to make progress is to kill time. Example:

What pants now?

"Your band has 9 members but 10 drumkits. Why?" "Bastions of the Mind Shield preach the gospel of jazz metal, and jazz is about the notes you don't hit. Our silent Lollapalooza set

After I moved to Heaven I had high hopes. Well, let me tell you that even in death, the saying "Life sucks, don't be fooled by location changes" still applies.

My wife sleeps with a plush panda under her head as a pillow and her feet up next to my head. They don't smell, but feeling her toes wiggle against my face is disconcerting.

I knew it was too good to be true. I

It was a dark and stormy night inside the Clifton M. Miller Library ...

"But professor, ma'am, you're half-asleep!" "Heh, I can do science in my sleep. Being merely half-asleep is just overkill." She tongued her lucky prosimian skull and mixed the blue

'This might seem obvious, but it's important, son. I don't want you ever shooting me in the leg again. It's very painful for me, and no, I'm not going to raise my voice, but if you

There once was a transvestite from Nantucket, whose

In humans, pubic lice are more closely related to gorilla lice than head lice are. FACT.

O smelly spaniel, how do you reek? Let me count the ways.

Dad's going hunting boys, but you can't go this time, it looks like a blizzard on the way. When they had the chance the boys snuck out and follow dad from a distance when the snow

As I lay here dying in this dark and dismal room, I can't help but recollect the events that brought me here. I should have known never to trust Cassandra with the necklace.

"The trick is not minding that it hurts."

There's smelling salts, bath salts, the salt of the earth, the SALT treaty, salt empires, and salty dogs, but the kind of salt I'm talking about

I tore into my stocking with gleeful abandon. Would there be cash, candy, trick new gadgets? Hmm, let's see: socks (meh), toothbrush (retch), nail file (pshh), fruit (gag), dishrag