All that was left was to think of a catchy

All that was left was to think of a catchy band name. Crab Rangoon was bandied about, but ultimately discarded. Lenny suggested Feta-ed Fetid Fetus (he always had to get cheese

y). We finally settled on Earitate. Listen to our music and you'll understand why. Our band was so horrible, we were GREAT! Earitate was all things postmodern. We liked to push our

bodies together backstage before a big show. The friction was sooo stimulating. Then Earitate would take the stage and putrify every last earhole within a tri-county radius. Listen

cymbals CRASHING...a porcelain buffalo on rollers going down Lombardi street SLAMMING into a truck carrying MIRRORS

all being overshadowed by Mariah Carey hitting a sustained high note for near an hour in the middle of all this commotion. Nobody within 5 miles ever heard anything again.

This is how a new dialect of sign language developed. People would sign by wiggling their ears and their toes

to the beat of flagellating vocal tones that nobody could hear, but FEEL. The bass sounds resonated the fatty tissue and shortly, that became 1 of many new sign language terms.

I hoped that the flagellation of the bass notes would break down my cellulite like it says in the ads. But instead it produced a cellulitic effect all over my body. My lumpy face

was the least of my problems! As I experienced "the Mozart Effect" in reverse, my buttocks hyperextended beyond the confines of my white cotton briefs. I'm hotter than Niki Minaj!