Having 2 heads isn't all that brilliant.

Having 2 heads isn't all that brilliant. People might think I'm extra clever with my ability to look everywhere at once but really it's not so good. I get double vision and

have to brush twice as many teeth as your average one-headed bloke. Mind you, I let leftie brush his own teeth. But he cuts corners & has bad breath. Getting a date with a bird

-bath lifeguard with one head was my top priority. I typed into eHarmony "looking for unicranial saver of drowning birds to watch 30 Rock with, and to make my babies." Matches were

less than forthcoming. The only one that matched my profile was the Eharmony CEO welcome message. Depressing. Then another message came from the CEO, this one said

Have you been in prison for more than five years? Do you have cash flow problems? Would you be willing to bilk old ladies out of millions of dollars?" The Eharmony survey was

pretty honest. The reader discerned the eHarmony ad was posted in search of some hardass that didn't have to be financially supported and lacked ethics and had a drug habit.

Which was good because that particular reader's crop was itching for a taste of some sweet, hard ass that was new to the scene. Not that the scene was particularly new rather it wa

s unencumbered by time itself, just bursting into and out of existence. A scene of ass here. A scene of ass there. But junkies don't care about science. They just want their fix.

When they opened the box to find out if Schrodinger's Ass was alive or dead, they broke the quantum state of all existence and perished in the deep dark void. Fix indeed. :P