One happy day I woke up full of joy and with

One happy day I woke up full of joy and with an overwhelming sense of security and self-confidence. It was really a glorious day. Did I mention it was the best day ever?

Humming a merry tune, I picked up the newspaper. It was blank. No bad news at all! It only had the weather report, clear and sunny. This was the best day ever!

Why, everything was going my way today! My boss gave me a raise AND told me to take the rest of the day off. I scratched an itch. Did I mention that this was the best day ever?

This was gonna be great! I scratched again, a little harder this time. What to do with my paid day off?! Scratch. Scratch, scratch. I felt fantastic. I looked in the mirror

at my pile of losing lotto tickets. In a daze, I frantically searched for something else to scratch. Aha! My daughter had a scratch 'n' sniff sticker on her science test. "Jenny!"

I had named her "Jenny" after my late wife (we were like peas and carrots). After my late wife passed away I felt like, well, doing some serious sex-tourism. Then had a child who

rusty tea tray to see the tempting ladies of Nuuk. As soon as I hove into Greenland's major port I saw them by the dock. Swaddled in seal skin and vortex, their guttural Danish

was reminiscent of blueberries, swamp gas, and gouda. I removed the bottle of Lagavulin from my trunk and held it before them. The ladies smiled and giggled before one approached

and whipped out a two-foot bandsaw. My noxious fumes indicated I had been drugged! She was cutting off my tusks and stealing my ivory! Damn those thieves! And damn their piano.