She stood before me naked and I felt my eyes

She stood before me naked and I felt my eyes wandering her body. Meandering until they became firmly fixed on a small dark spot on her upper thigh. What was that? I started to ask,

Too bad what I couldn't see was a therapist right about now. Her USB-port nipples suddenly lashed cables out at me, strangling around my neck. I choked for breath, but it was too

late. The asphyxiation heightened the pleasure but I eventually succumbed. Virtual sex was not so safe after all. Worse still, when I arrived at Purgatory I had to log onto a

computer terminal to find my account number. This was my first time in purgatory so I didn't have a user name or password. I clicked create an account and typed in my email but

an hourglass appeared, along with an error message that read, "Insufficient Sin Contemplation". Then God obtained my email address and spammed me with ads for heaven. Purgatory

didn't exist, as much as the Catholics would like you to believe. So it was either Heaven or the other place. The e-mail ads read, "REPENT!" and "The Kingdom is at hand!" I tried

turning around while the Meatloaf was baking, but my repentance gained me naught, for it was the same as it ever was, and "Kingdom" seemed a little parochial on the Cosmic scale of

rock-n-roll. As the delicious scent of Meatloaf wafted through the car window, I found myself in paradise, right there by the dashboard light, and Kingdom was about to come

with a delightful surprise. If only I could stop myself from farting so loudly.