(Based on a true story) On nights like this,

(Based on a true story) On nights like this, my dad would go to the garage, turn on the UV lights, and suck up moths with a vacuum cleaner.

One night, my dad found a large nest of moths. Instead of using the vacuum cleaner, he got out a blow torch. "You moths like light?" he said. "You'll get some."

Lighting the blow torch, he aimed it at the nest. Fwoomp! The moths caught on fire, and I watched as the burnt bodies littered the ground with ash. "That'll teach them," he said.

"When moths are reborn phoenix-style, they take old teachings with them. One life, they'll learn to avoid my torch-enforced no-fly zone." If he couldn't fly, neither would moths.

Regardless, you couldn't help but wonder if that was why moths would fling themselves to a fiery death. The chance of rebirth through intense pain was enough for them, but not me.

So I stepped away from the edge of Mt. Vesuvius, grateful I had come to my senses before I'd done something silly. I wasn't a virgin anyway. Motha Moth was displeased

. The giant moth swirled around the lava spitting caldera. My menstrual emissions confused the pheromone sensors on his great fanlike antennae When Motha Moth plummeted into Vesuvi

us I rejoiced and clutched my hands to my bosom. But the Moth emerged from Vesuvius outfitted with armor forged by Vulvan himself. The Moth lowered his battle helmet

kind of flopped together. Nine months later Vulvavoice emerged fully formed from Vulvan's fiery skull crack in a velvet cocoon which is why penises are drawn to her like moths....