Looking back on lessons learned from past

Looking back on lessons learned from past transgressions and toward a brighter, better future, I do hereby solemnly proclaim to abide by the following resolutions in the new year:

1. I resolve to put all of my ill-gotten gains into a rucksack with a big dollar sign on the side. Thereby, when I feel the urge to spend my loot I will feel a slight pang of guilt

2.I resolve to carry no less than an unregistered Glock-17 to fend off all mofos that may attempt to relieve me of my rucksack of ill-gotten gains,hence, purifying the gene pool.3.

I resolve to bring that sweet, dear, square little mustache into vogue. 4.

I pledge to keep a Kosher Hare Krishna Halaal Buddhist diet and fast during Lent. 5.

I promise to keep all of my resolutions, no matter what. Unless of course if it's impossible. Or if I get bored, frustrated, and/or decide it's no longer worth the effort. 6.

I shall not be held liable for any debts incurred as a result of damages made during a toboggan race down the spiral staircase 7. I promise that all claims made against me shall be

we seemed to have bought a 100 year repairing lease on The Sphinx at Giza. I called my business partner, Ronnie. "How plastered were you? We have to rebuild its nose using Ancient

alien technology, and you can't even do that right!" "Dude, take a look at the model for the sphinx." He sent me a pic, and sure enough, the model for the statue had no nose.