I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus was playing

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus was playing on the old Victrola; I had just checked back in from a brief blackout session. But Santa had Mommy bent over the sofa arm sans knickers

. "I KNEW IT!" bellowed Santa "You poor things..can't even afford undies!" As my mother put her skirt back on, Santa went to his sled for some BVD's. "But I want an xbox!" I wailed

, but only for a moment when I saw what Santa brought me from his big brown sack: the whitest, softest, comfiest pair of cotton underpants I had ever laid eyes on. "Oooo! For ME?"

At some point I looked up & everybody had gone off to the Christmas Mass leaving me behind in my new comfy underwear & all the mess from the gift openings. It was sucking big time.

Well it’s not so bad. At least I don’t have to go to Mass. And since I’m alone, I can walk around the house in my underwear drinking Vodka Eggnog without being judged!

“But wait,” drunk me thought, “why not go to Mass in my underwear while drinking Vodka Eggnog?” I groggily grabbed an umbrella, egg, and a bottle of vodka and jumped out the window

to my death. The coroner ruled it as a Yuletide suicide, but he was wrong. I had just had too much spirit of the season. At least I wouldn't have to send any more cards or go to

midnight mass with Ma and Aunt Gertrude, listening to them fart and giggle—a result of eating too many roasted chestnuts and drinking too much eggnog. Death by Christmas cheer.

Then Ma got a really BAD idea: Climb the Christmas tree! Gertrude and Ma started up toward the vaulted ceiling. At the top, the Kmart tree stand tipped & they fell to their deaths.