Todd put down the weed whacker and picked

Todd put down the weed whacker and picked up the telephone, and that is when it all started. The voice on the other end

said "I have your wife and daughter. If you don't wire $1,000,000 to my account in the Cayman Islands, I'll be forced to

take out a loan, which I really don't want to do because interest rates are really high, but how else can I afford...

to get some good bass bumping in my car. I know I was 50 and living in the suburbs but I knew it would get me

some street cred. I like to bump a lot of polka though. You should see the looks i get down at the

7-11. I think I've had a serious negative impact on their business. All the gang members used to hang out there,

chomping on taquitos--damn I love those things--and sipping mysterious beverages from brown bags. If I saw them there,

in band camp, after a long session of blowing the flute, the drummer put his drum sticks in

his socks, wiped off his mouth and kicked over his drum set. The silent crowd had a look that

was apprehensive. They didn't know how to respond. They were amazed to see that he walked in the room and had nothing to

say about the fact that he blew up the whole library. He always was an odd sort. When he was a child, he took a bird's nest, leather satchel, dog collar and grapefruit and

would dress his grandfather in all sorts of odd apparel. Gramps didn't seem to mind. Of course he wasn't exactly 'lucid' half the time. The other half, he was trying to figure

out the mysteries of the universe. But Gramps had a knack of always making people smile. He could make someone laugh even if

that person had no voice at all. He could bring rainbows and daisies and unicorns out of the gloomiest days and sometimes even

manage to cheer the world up, but today was not one of those days. Instead, he had the opposite affect; a Midas touch in reverse.

That's right. As they say, everything he touched turned to shit. And yet, he wouldn't stop touching things! At this point, I should mention that he was a selfish s.o.b.

His deliberate delivery of absolutely nothing to anyone marked the first time in the history of time that a man turned everything to shit-but withheld even that from his own toilet

kit. Oh how he loved push a butt pine cone into his toilet kit and watch the TSA open it up. He watched their faces go from confusion to totally pure disgust. He was a genius

at obfuscation. He only hoped that his Fu Man Chu mustache would hold out long enough through the airport security line. Perhaps then he could make his Air Tran flight on time.