Did you know, if you collect the Topps bubblegum

  • Did you know, if you collect the Topps bubblegum packs of the Giants for their '79 season, the watermarks on the backs form a treasure map?

  • That's certainly what Tomas Applebottom thought. He wasted most of his adult life purchasing Topps bubblegum and fitting the map together. When he finished at 80 years old, he was

  • ready to begin his life's journey! Yes he, Tomas Applebottom, would use the map to discover the greatest treasure of the universe! "X" marked the spot...and it appeared that "X"

  • But what stopped Tomas Applebottom from finding the treasure was Johnny Appleseed. This is where this horrid tale really begins.

  • Marta Appletits was never backward about being forward with the local yokels. Tomas Applebottom & Johnny Appleseed were purée in her soft, rosy hands. But Luke Thistlenuts knew how

  • w many 'Nuts, 'Seeds, and 'Bottoms she'd squeezed over the years. Luke Thistlenuts might've seemed like a seedy character, but Marta Appletits was tart to the core. He sidestepped

  • her nut grope while surreptitiously fondling the fruity globes decorating her chest. Marta Appletits had met her match in Luke Thistlenuts. They squared off facing one another

  • in a display of sexual dominance. Of course, neither Luke nor Marta suspected that I had not disappeared from the proceedings and was readying a sniper shot from a nearby tree.

  • It was a small tree, dead and without leaves. In retrospect it was awful for a sniper but I took the shot anyway and my bullet made love to Marta's brain

  • , splattering all over the park bench. Her children screamed and ran. They'll probably be haunted by this forever. It was tragic, but I only did as I was ordered to.



  1. SlimWhitman Aug 18 2015 @ 07:04

    Shucks, I was looking forward to a fair fight between Marta Appeltits and Luke Thistlenuts. Thanks Lucielucie, for some great character names!

  2. PurpleProf Aug 18 2015 @ 19:36

    Marta Appletits...classic, LL!

  3. lucielucie Aug 19 2015 @ 14:48

    Thanx guyz!

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