He'd opened the netflix envelop in excitement.

He'd opened the netflix envelop in excitement. After four weeks of staring that movie sleeve, he mailed it back without even watching the movie because

it wasn't blu-ray. This time he was prepared, though. The would be the greatest Netflix experience ever. He had his disk, his popcorn, and his blanket. All he needed was

an adapter to convert his VHS player shaped like a Corvette Sting Ray to Netflix CD format. The 7/11 on the corner should have one. twice he had

gone there before and left empty-handed, so upon reflection could not pin down the reasoning that led him to attempt a third time. But he desperately loved worthless technology.

Desperately, he carved an iPhone out of bar of soap. He got on the bus and pretended to play "Angry Birds." He nudged another passenger. "Oh, those pigs! Heh-Heh!" A bit of string

then floated down to his soap phone. He tied the end securely around the phone, testing the strength of the knot. His new weapon would prove useful at the next

intersection. It had one-way traffic because of construction. "Perfect." He threw the phone at a worker holding a stop sign, knocking him unconscious. "It's my way on the highway

!" he shouted. With that, he drove right into the oncoming traffic and hit a little old lady in a little red car head on. She was wearing her seat belt, but he went flying through

the air, and fortunately, the little old lady was driving a convertible with the top down, having just gone to Costco. He landed on 67 unopened packs of Depends in the back seat

The fluffy landing was further cushioned by her affectionate welcome "What took you so long God?" She took him home to meet her supercentenarian parents.