My name is Joe. I have three nipples. Sometimes

  • My name is Joe. I have three nipples. Sometimes I'm ashamed when I have to go to the public pool. Sometimes I enjoy the attention. But what I like most of all is the

  • feeling I get when shaving. I shave my chest every wednesday, and that extra bump is a bit of a challenge. Anyway, it helps me be more aerodynamic when I

  • glide to work. It is hard to get the ribbed mylar wings on the elevator and take it to the twelfth floor. On occasion I have been nearly blindsided by a stray pigeon.

  • But the risk of sudden-avian-collision-death is worth the look on my office manager's face as I glide by outside the window. My ribbed mylar wings allow me to soar like a

  • bat. Not like those dickbag college-kiddie crackers with those 5-billion-dollar momonga suits. I worked hard on my bird-wing costume to flaunt the success of my labors at my boss.

  • I performed my strut dance, cawing and beating my plumage. My boss viewed my display with bored contempt, but his mistress, Lydia Paradise started to do the Funky Chicken

  • Lydia Paradise was a free range Funky Chicken, if you know what I mean. I couldn't compete, having been cooped up all my life. My boss cock-a-doodle-dooed at her henuesque

  • figure. I squawked miserably & squeezed out an egg while the Cock in Chief & Lydia preened their feathers. I snapped. Squishing through the bars of the cage I ran for it, straight

  • into the claws of Felix, an obese feline. The last thing I saw was the look of shock on Felix's face at having actually caught something. At least my death was charitable.

  • Had my life been anything better, my death would have been misery. Thanks be to God!



  1. SlimWhitman Jul 11 2013 @ 03:47

    Great lines in this... "But the risk of sudden-avian-collision-death" "Lydia Paradise was a free range Funky Chicken, if you know what I mean." " I squawked miserably & squeezed out an egg" And all of the last two lines had me LOLing. Welcome IsobelW and BerryFine! Great to have you here.

  2. PurpleProf Jul 11 2013 @ 06:56

    Ditto! Always great to have new good writers in the mix!

  3. PurpleProf Jul 11 2013 @ 07:33

    I also liked Chaz' image of struggling to get on an elevator with Mylar wings.

  4. SlimWhitman Jul 11 2013 @ 09:06

    Didn't mean to imply the unquoted material was any less funny. I just didn't want to quote the whole story again! ;-)

  5. PurpleProf Jul 11 2013 @ 10:33

    Lydia Paradise...awesome stripper name!

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