It was dark, clouds covered the sky. I stood

It was dark, clouds covered the sky. I stood there in the middle of the street, looking around.

I was under a street light in Witchita looking for my uncle's leatherbound manuscript which I'd lost on a safari in Kafue on the Mukambi loop in btoad daylight.

'btoad daylight' is the Tonganese phrase: 'day that makes you feel like zebra dung'. I slip that into conversation now & then but everyone in Witchita ignores me. The lost book

n the contrary, they literally spat in my face. After a week of this, I realized I was not on the island nation of Tonga. I was in the Fillipines. That could mean only one thing.

I needed to buy a map. Clearly my GPS was way off track: Tonga instead of the Philippines? It was just as that girl in the beauty pageant had said, "Some people...don't have maps."

"People that don't have maps are always followers. No responsibility, no blame." She smiled her beauty pageant smile and walked back to her place with the finalists. My disgust

for her fake plastic smile was exceeded only by my appreciation for her physical form. I mentally navigated lush hills and valleys as she walked away, no map required. The pageant

judges had been bribed though, so the chubby platinum blonde with bad teeth was crowned instead. Instinctively, I made my way backstage to comfort Miss Hills & Valleys. Her mascara

ran down her face, neck, & into her considerable cleavage, producing a shadow effect that really made 'em pop. The judges reconsidered and declared Miss Hills & Valleys champion!!!