If the noise outside my brain is equal to

  • If the noise outside my brain is equal to the noise inside, a strange sort of silence occurs as the sound waves cancel each other out. So with my head phones on I listen to NADA!

  • So, listening to nothing was indeed relaxing, in fact I drifted off into a psychotic dream of nothingness. Such peace I'd not encountered since I

  • decided the I would start wearing "Depends" so that I could pee whenever I felt like it in public. I took to picking particularly taboo locations like the Opera or

  • the waiting area at the local Chili's. I'd strike up a conversation with the hostess and then urinate copiously into my adult undergarments. It got so that I really couldn't pee un

  • deux, trois. I'd suddenly started speaking French, this had to be connected. Excusez moi I unexpectedly said to the hostess. What had happened? I spoke again

  • but she slapped me full across my double chin for reverting back to English. "Sacrebleu!" I blurted out. Suddenly she grinned, grabbed my ears, yanked me forward and kissed me full

  • full on the nose. I thought french kissing involved the tongue, but she was from the border of Belgium. "Palm Frites, Silvouplay" I tried to remember more of my 7th grade class.

  • Unfortunately, the only thing that came to mind was "au revoir." She began to walk away, disappointed and confused. "No! No! Bonjour! Please come back!" My hands were sweaty and I

  • tried to attract her back with hand signals, but my hands kept slipping off each other. I knew by now I'd lost her forever, and she'd vanish into the crowds of Paris where the

  • mimes would win her over with their vastly superior hand signals. Curse you, Marcel Marceau!



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