"Scared the Hell Out of Me. It Was a Great

"Scared the Hell Out of Me. It Was a Great Wake-Up Call (Although I Wasn't Really Asleep)" — Russell H., from Wichita, Kansas.

"Action Hits Likes a Sledgehammer to the Forebrain, (Until it Stops)" — Martin T. from Omaha, Nebraska. The reviews or her one woman show, "This is Me, Deal with It" were

uninspiring. I think I would rather safety pin my scrotum to my underwear than listen to some divorcee, Rosie O'Donnell look-like demand that I "Deal with" her bitterness at

Lindsey Lohan and the human male populous. That's when I left. My mother-in-law was still blathering on and didn't even notice. I shouldn't have left her in Mexico

but she was bartering for jaguar penis in a chinatown market in Mexicali & it seemed the perfect opportunity to rid myself of the shamanic old battle ax. I told my wife her mother

had a headache and had to take a taxi back to the hotel, when really what I did was hustle my mother-in-law in some back alley in Mexicali, stuffed her in a burlap sack, & sold her

. I slaughtered goats, chewed their skins to soften them and stretched them over a frame of sticks to make a coracle. I launched myself from Acapulco Beach to go where the wind

comes rolling down the plain. Yes, I would sail from Acapulco Beach to Enid.....OOOOOOOOOO-KLAHOMA in my coracle. With luck, I'd make it in time to participate in my favorite

pastime of interspersing show tunes when you can hear the people singing the songs of angry men in the middle of your first cigarette to your last dying day.