So - this tuesday, about two years ago, was

So - this tuesday, about two years ago, was just a day that ran late. My coffee was ex-

communicated by Max the Preacher guy who said it was "a STImulant, a black potion of the DEVVVil!" I was late for class & downed the coffee scalding my tongue & swearing

an oath to scout's honor, of which I had none. No, I was all about scout's dishonor. On a two week back packing trip I had eaten the entire rations for troop which

was full of sugar, making me very hyper. I got so excited from my sugar rush that I started stealing badges from other scouts and throwing them at wild animals, such as aardvarks.

Which was a mistake. A large mistake. Colossal. A mistake that would cost me my left arm, my left leg, and my right testicle. What happened was the mother aardvark got confused and

thought I'd been trying to steal her adorable aardvark offspring, but honestly, I was only trying to help. She attacked me with a motherly ferocity and tore off my left am and leg,

When i recovered, i never fully recovered. People would point at him and call him "that aardvark guy". He felt like half a man.

his revelation that he was an aardvark man didn't do much to pay his bills, so he turned to stripping. Being a niche stripper, work was hard to get, so he mostly ended up doing

manual labor, if you know what I mean. Interestingly, Aardvark Man ultimately gained quite a following in the Bushland. It must had had something to do with his protruding teeth.