I come from a distant corner of the universe,

I come from a distant corner of the universe, having traveled many cycles of time in order to find you. And now that we are finally face to face, I would like to share with you a

coconut and Dijon mustard sandwich. The expanding universe had sent me far away but I promise the sandwich is still fresh. I made the bread myself from

the halfling's leaf and the mustar..." "This bread is made from Shire leaf?" the wizard interrupted. "Well yes." I answered. "Would you like some?" But he was gone. Vanished.

And there I stood, still hungry and now empty-handed, meandering through Middle-earth. Damn that wiley wizard! Where could I get more Shire leaf to make more bread? Lothlorien

was beyond the mountains that stood before me, a 4 or 5 days walk. But then at the edge of a forest I noticed a strange creature that suffered from serios schizophrenia, "Gollum

, but I didn't need it to tell that this guy was "bat-shit insane" (pardon the psychoanalytical jargon) about this damn ring. "Listen here, you moon-bat," I started, "you can take

this ring of yours to Guyana and stay there. If I see you ever again, I will personally kick your bum bum, one cheek at a time. Hashtag booty werk with a W-E-R-K!" He looked scared

because he didn't understand any of that twitter hashtag stuff, so he stalled for time. He tried to look concerned and shrieking, "What? What did you say? I don't think I heard

you correctly! Look at that water buffalo!" He took advantage of the following confusion to eat their iphone. They'd never look at twitter ever again. Genius!